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Post by craisin on Feb 9, 2014 5:10:42 GMT -5
I was sitting on the train today next to a hot thai girl thinking to myself don't get an erection, don't get an erection. And she did.
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Post by craisin on Feb 9, 2014 5:12:14 GMT -5
A plane is falling out of the sky. A female passenger jumps up out of her seat, tears off her clothes and exclaims, "Is there anyone man enough on this plane to make me feel like a real woman before I die?" A man across the aisle stands up, hurriedly unbuttoning his shirt. He gets it off and throws it at the woman. "Iron this."
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Post by craisin on Feb 9, 2014 5:14:21 GMT -5
I held the door for an Asian man today. He said "sank you" So I punched him in the throat. How dare he bring up pearl harbour like that.
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Post by craisin on Feb 12, 2014 1:07:58 GMT -5
What's 6 inches long, 2 inches wide and drives women wild? a $100 bill!
Why did Tigger look in the toilet? Because he was looking for Pooh.
What is the difference between snowmen and snowwomen? : Snowballs.
What do you call a woman who can't make sandwiches? Single.
What's the difference between a girlfriend and wife? 20 kgs.
Why did god invent alcohol? So ugly women can get laid too.
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Post by craisin on Feb 12, 2014 1:11:34 GMT -5
An eighteen-year-old girl tells her Mom that she has missed her period for two months. Very worried, the mother goes to the drugstore and buys a pregnancy kit. The test result shows that the girl is pregnant. Shouting, cursing, crying, the mother says, “Who was the pig that did this to you? I want to know!” The girl picks up the phone and makes a call.
Half an hour later a Ferrari stops in front of their house, A mature and distinguished man with grey hair, impeccably dressed in a very expensive suit, steps out of the car and enters the house. He sits in the living room with the father, the mother and the girl, and tells them, “Good morning, your daughter has informed me of the problem. However, I can’t marry her because of my personal family situation, but I’ll take charge.” “If a girl is born, I will bequeath her two retail stores, a townhouse, a beach villa and a $2,000,000 bank account.
If a boy is born, my legacy will be a couple of factories and a $5,000,000 bank account. If it is twins, a factory and $2,000,000 each. However, if there is a miscarriage, what do you suggest I do?” At this point, the father who had remained silent, places a hand firmly on the man’s shoulder and tells him: “Then you try again…!”
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flyangler
Recruit
Two Wheeled Mechanized Volunteer
Posts: 59
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Post by flyangler on Feb 12, 2014 17:02:01 GMT -5
Two Wisconsin rednecks are out hunting, and as they are walking along they come upon a huge hole in the ground.
They approach it and are amazed at the size of it.
The first hunter says, "Wow, that's some hole; I can't even see the bottom. I wonder how deep it is!"
The second hunter says," I don't know. Let's throw somethin' down there, Listen and see how long it takes to hit bottom."
The first hunter says, "Hey, there's an old automobile transmission over There. Give me a hand, we'll throw it in and see."
So they pick it up and carry it over and count one, two, three and heave it In the hole. They are standing there listening, looking over the edge, When they hear a rustling behind them. As they turn around, they see a goat Come crashing through the underbrush, run up to the hole and, without hesitation, jump in head first.
While they are standing there staring at each other in amazement, peering Into the hole, trying to figure out what that was all about, an old farmer Saunters up.
"Say there," says the farmer, "you fellers didn't happen to see my goat around here anywhere, did you?"
The first hunter says, "Funny you should ask, but we were just standing here a minute ago and a goat came running out of the bushes doin' bout a hunnert Miles an hour and jumped headfirst into this here hole!"
The old farmer said, "Naw, that's impossible! I had him chained to a Transmission."
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Post by craisin on Feb 16, 2014 3:14:38 GMT -5
The word good has many meanings. For example, if a man were to shoot his grandmother at a range of five hundred yards, I should call him a good shot, but not necessarily a good man
Be creative, invent a perversion.
Schizophrenia beats being alone.
Research shows that nine out of ten men who try Camel... prefer women.
We are born naked, wet and hungry. Then things get worse.
I used up all my sick days, so I'm calling in dead.
I'd insult you, but you're not bright enough to notice.
Cancer cures smoking.
If rabbits feet are so lucky, what happened to the rabbit?
The power of accurate observation is commonly called cynicism by those who have not got it.
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Post by craisin on Feb 16, 2014 3:22:39 GMT -5
a priest and a vicar swap jobs for a week, the first time the vicar takes confession, a beautifull young girl says "father, ive come to confess, ive had impure thoughts about the boy next door"
"say 5 hail marys" said the priest.
another beautifull young girl comes in "father , ive come to confess, ive had phone sex with the boy next door" says she.
"say 10 hail marys" says the priest.
yet another stunner comes in to the booth "father , ive had ORAL sex with the boy next door"
the priest thinks for a while, opens the curtain on the confesional booth just as an alterboy is walking past, and asks him "what does the priest usually give for oral sex ?"
"two mars bars and a packet of crisps !" said the alterboy
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Post by craisin on Feb 17, 2014 23:48:36 GMT -5
The Big Bad Wolf said to Little Red Riding Hood, "Unbutton your blouse and let me suck your tits." "fudge off!" she replied, as she tugged down her pantie’s, demanding, "Eat me like the fudgein book says."
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Post by craisin on Feb 17, 2014 23:50:38 GMT -5
Attachment Deleted Cinderella wants to go to the ball, but her wicked stepmother won't let her. As Cinderella sits crying in the garden, her fairy godmother appears, and promises to provide Cinderella with everything she needs to go to the ball, but only on two conditions. Fairy Godmother, "First, you must wear a diaphragm." Cinderella agrees. Cinderella, "What's the second condition?" Fairy Godmother, "You must be home by 2 a.m. Any later, and your diaphragm will turn into a pumpkin." Cinderella agrees to be home by 2 a.m. The appointed hour comes and goes, and Cinderella doesn't show up. Finally, at 5 a.m., Cinderella shows up, looking love-struck and very satisfied. "Where have you been?" demands the Fairy Godmother. "Your diaphragm was supposed to turn into a pumpkin three hours ago!!!" Cinderella, "I met a prince, Fairy Godmother. He took care of everything." Fairy Godmother, "I know of no prince with that kind of power! Tell me his name!" Cinderella, "I can't remember, exactly... Peter Peter, something or other..."
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Post by craisin on Feb 17, 2014 23:51:05 GMT -5
Attachment Deleted Cinderella wants to go to the ball, but her wicked stepmother won't let her. As Cinderella sits crying in the garden, her fairy godmother appears, and promises to provide Cinderella with everything she needs to go to the ball, but only on two conditions. Fairy Godmother, "First, you must wear a diaphragm." Cinderella agrees. Cinderella, "What's the second condition?" Fairy Godmother, "You must be home by 2 a.m. Any later, and your diaphragm will turn into a pumpkin." Cinderella agrees to be home by 2 a.m. The appointed hour comes and goes, and Cinderella doesn't show up. Finally, at 5 a.m., Cinderella shows up, looking love-struck and very satisfied. "Where have you been?" demands the Fairy Godmother. "Your diaphragm was supposed to turn into a pumpkin three hours ago!!!" Cinderella, "I met a prince, Fairy Godmother. He took care of everything." Fairy Godmother, "I know of no prince with that kind of power! Tell me his name!" Cinderella, "I can't remember, exactly... Peter Peter, something or other..."
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Post by craisin on Feb 17, 2014 23:52:06 GMT -5
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Post by craisin on Feb 17, 2014 23:55:27 GMT -5
Paddy has broken his leg and his buddy Mick comes over to see him.
Mick says, "How you doin?"
"Paddy says, "Okay, but do me a favour, run upstairs and get me slippers, me feet are freezing."
Mick goes upstairs and sees Paddy's gorgeous 19-year-old twin daughters lying naked on the bed.
He says, "Your dad's sent me up here to have sex with both of you."
They say, "Get away with ya.... prove it."
Mick shouts downstairs, "Paddy, both of em?"
Paddy shouts back, "Of course both of em, what's the point of fudgein one?"
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Post by craisin on Feb 17, 2014 23:57:57 GMT -5
A woman decided to have a face lift for her birthday, she spent $5000 and felt really good about the results. One day on her way home she stopped at a dress shop to look around. As she was leaving, she said to the sales clerk, “I hope you don’t mind me asking, but how old do you think I am?”
“About 35,” was the reply. “I’m actually 47,” the woman said, feeling really happy.
After that she went into McDonalds for lunch and asked the order taker the same question. He replied, “Oh, you look about 29.” “I am actually 47!” she said, feeling really good.
While standing at the bus stop she asked an old man the same question.
He replied, “I am 85 years old and my eyesight is going. But when I was young there was a sure way of telling a woman’s age. If I put my hand up your skirt I will be able to tell your exact age.”
There was no one around, so the woman said, “What the hell?” and let him slip his hand up her skirt. After feeling around for a while, the old man said, “OK, You are 47.” Stunned, the woman said, “That was brilliant! How did you do that?”
The old man replied, “I was behind you in line at McDonalds.”
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Post by craisin on Feb 23, 2014 8:31:20 GMT -5
Two Cows
SOCIALISM You have 2 cows. You give one to your neighbour
COMMUNISM You have 2 cows. The State takes both and gives you some milk
FASCISM You have 2 cows. The State takes both and sells you some milk
NAZISM You have 2 cows. The State takes both and shoots you
BUREAUCRATISM You have 2 cows. The State takes both, shoots one, milks the other, and then throws the milk away
TRADITIONAL CAPITALISM You have two cows. You sell one and buy a bull. Your herd multiplies, and the economy grows. You sell them and retire on the income
ROYAL BANK OF SCOTLAND (VENTURE) CAPITALISM You have two cows. You sell three of them to your publicly listed company, using letters of credit opened by your brother-in-law at the bank, then execute a debt/equity swap with an associated general offer so that you get all four cows back, with a tax exemption for five cows. The milk rights of the six cows are transferred via an intermediary to a Cayman Island Company secretly owned by the majority shareholder who sells the rights to all seven cows back to your listed company. The annual report says the company owns eight cows, with an option on one more. You sell one cow to buy a new president of the United States , leaving you with nine cows. No balance sheet provided with the release. The public then buys your bull.
SURREALISM You have two giraffes. The government requires you to take harmonica lessons.
AN AMERICAN CORPORATION You have two cows. You sell one, and force the other to produce the milk of four cows. Later, you hire a consultant to analyse why the cow has dropped dead.
A GREEK CORPORATION You have two cows. You borrow lots of euros to build barns, milking sheds, hay stores, feed sheds, dairies, cold stores, abattoir, cheese unit and packing sheds. You still only have two cows.
A FRENCH CORPORATION You have two cows. You go on strike, organise a riot, and block the roads, because you want three cows.
A JAPANESE CORPORATION You have two cows. You redesign them so they are one-tenth the size of an ordinary cow and produce twenty times the milk. You then create a clever cow cartoon image called a Cowkimona and market it worldwide.
AN ITALIAN CORPORATION You have two cows, but you don't know where they are. You decide to have lunch.
A SWISS CORPORATION You have 5000 cows. None of them belong to you. You charge the owners for storing them.
A CHINESE CORPORATION You have two cows. You have 300 people milking them. You claim that you have full employment, and high bovine productivity. You arrest the newsman who reported the real situation.
AN INDIAN CORPORATION You have two cows. You worship them.
A BRITISH CORPORATION You have two cows. Both are mad.
AN IRAQI CORPORATION Everyone thinks you have lots of cows. You tell them that you have none. No-one believes you, so they bomb the ** out of you and invade your country. You still have no cows, but at least you are now a Democracy.
AN AUSTRALIAN CORPORATION You have two cows. Business seems pretty good. You close the office and go for a few beers to celebrate.
A NEW ZEALAND CORPORATION You have two cows. The one on the left looks very attractive...
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