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Post by craisin on Jun 5, 2013 2:09:06 GMT -5
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Post by craisin on Jun 6, 2013 7:21:32 GMT -5
Joyce and Grace meet at the Pearly Gates (they were neighbors).
Joyce asked, "What did you die from?"
Grace replied, "I froze to death." Joyce asked, "What was it like?"
Grace said, "At first it was cold, then a warm feeling came over me until I passed."
She asked Joyce, "What happened to you?".
She said, "I thought my husband was cheating on me, so I left work early. I went home and found him sitting in the living room watching TV. I ran down to the basement, then up to our bedroom and didn't find anyone. I was running back downstairs when I had a heart attack."
Grace replied, "If you would have looked in the freezer first, we'd both be alive."
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Post by craisin on Jun 6, 2013 7:34:59 GMT -5
Japanese scientists have created a camera with a shutter speed so fast, they can now photograph a woman with her mouth shut.
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Post by craisin on Jun 6, 2013 7:50:04 GMT -5
Why is oral sex best?
'Cause you don't have to listen to them while they do it ...
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Post by craisin on Jun 6, 2013 8:00:35 GMT -5
My wife seems to think I sneak out to smoke weed and get stoned every night because my eyes are always blood shot.
I just nod and agree, I guess that's better than telling her most girls carry pepper spray these days.
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jmkjr72
contributing staff
Commander 132nd Northern Cav. Division
Posts: 2,779
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Post by jmkjr72 on Jun 8, 2013 13:01:13 GMT -5
What do a Mack truck and a test tube baby have in common
Neither are Peterbuilt
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Post by craisin on Jun 11, 2013 22:55:58 GMT -5
I hate all this terrorist business. I used to love the days when you could look at an unattended bag on a train or bus and think to yourself. I'm going to take that.'
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Post by craisin on Jun 11, 2013 22:59:29 GMT -5
Cabbie picks up a Nun. She gets into the cab, and notices that the VERY handsome cab driver won't stop staring at her. She asks him why he is staring. He replies: "I have a question to ask, but I don't want to offend you" She answers, "My son, you cannot offend me. When you're as old as I am and have been a nun as long as I have, you get a chance to see and hear just about everything. I'm sure that there's nothing you could say or ask that I would find offensive." "Well, I've always had a fantasy to have a nun kiss me." She responds, "Well, let's see what we can do about that: #1, you have to be single and #2, you must be Catholic." The cab driver is very excited and says, "Yes, I'm single and Catholic! "OK" the nun says. "Pull into the next alley." The nun fulfills his fantasy with a kiss that would make a hooker blush. But when they get back on the road, the cab driver starts crying. "My dear child," said the nun, "Why are you crying?" "Forgive me but I've sinned. I lied and I must confess; I'm married and I'm Jewish." The nun says, "That's OK. My name is Kevin and I'm going to a Halloween party."
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Post by craisin on Jun 11, 2013 23:01:16 GMT -5
I think it is just terrible and disgusting how everyone has treated Lance Armstrong, especially after what he's achieved, winning 7 Tour de France races, whilst he was on drugs. When I was on drugs, I couldn't even find my friggin' bike.
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Post by craisin on Jun 11, 2013 23:01:58 GMT -5
Drive By A guy broke into my apartment last week. He didn’t take my TV, just the remote. Now he drives by and changes the channels. Sick bastard!!
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Post by craisin on Jun 11, 2013 23:04:16 GMT -5
A man comes across a genie who grants him three wishes but tells the man that for every wish he gets, his wife gets two of the same. So the man asks for a car, his wife gets two. He asks for a house, his wife gets two. Then he wishes the genie to beat him half to death.
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Post by craisin on Jun 17, 2013 1:05:17 GMT -5
In a second grade sex education class, a little girl asks "Teacher, can my mamma get pregnant?" The teacher asks "How old is your mother?" The little girl says "Forty". The teacher says "Yes, Your mother could get pregnant". The little girl asks "Can my big sister get pregnant?" The teacher asks "How old is your sister?" The little girl answers "Nineteen". The teacher says "Oh my yes, your sister certainly could get pregnant". The little girl asks "Can I get pregnant?" The teacher asks "How old are you?" The little girl says "I'm seven years old". The teacher says "No, you can't get pregnant". The little boy behind the little girl gives her a poke and says "See, I told you we had nothing to worry about".
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Post by craisin on Jun 17, 2013 1:11:45 GMT -5
A Harley and a Jar of Vaseline
Joe wanted to buy a motorcycle.
He doesn't have much luck, until one day, he comes across a Harley with a 'for sale' sign on it.
The bike seems even better than a new one, although it is 10 years old.
It's shiny and in absolute mint condition.
He immediately buys it and asks the seller how he kept it in such great condition for 10 years
'Well, it's quite simple really,' says the seller, 'whenever the bike is outside and it's gonna rain, rub Vaseline on the chrome.
It protects it from the rain.'
And he hands Joe a jar of Vaseline.
That night, his girlfriend, Sandra, invites him over to meet her parents. Naturally, they take the bike there.
But just before they enter the house, Sandra stops him and says, 'I have to tell you something about my family before we go in.'
'When we eat dinner, we don't talk.
In fact, the first person who says anything during dinner has to do the dishes.'
'No problem,' he says.. And in they go.
Joe is shocked.
Right smack in the middle of the living room is a huge stack of dirty dishes.
In the kitchen is another huge stack of dishes.
Piled up on the stairs, in the corridor, everywhere he looks.
Dirty dishes.
They sit down to dinner, and sure enough, no one says a word.
As dinner progresses, Joe decides to take advantage of the situation.
So he leans over and kisses Sandra.
No one says a word.
So he reaches over and fondles her breasts.
Still, nobody says a word.
So he stands up, grabs her, rips her clothes off, throws her on the table and screws her, right there in front of her parents.
His girlfriend is a little flustered, her dad is obviously livid and her mom horrified when he sits back down, but no one says a word.
He looks at her mom.
'She's got a great body,' he thinks.
So he grabs the mom, bends her over the dinner table, pulls down her panties, and screws her every which way but loose right there on the dinner table.
After she has a big orgasm, he sits down again.
Now his girlfriend is furious and her dad is boiling, the Mom is pleasantly beaming.
But still.... Total silence.
All of a sudden there is a loud clap of thunder, and it starts to rain.
Joe remembers his bike, so he pulls the jar of Vaseline from his pocket.
Suddenly the father shouted.
I'll do the dishes!!
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Post by craisin on Jun 23, 2013 21:03:00 GMT -5
They found about 200 dead crows near Nashville, TN on the side of the interstates and there was concern that they may have died from Avian Flu.
They had a Bird Pathologist examine the remains of all the crows, & he confirmed the problem was definitely NOT Avian Flu, to everyone's relief.
However, he determined that 98% of the crows had been killed by impact with trucks and only 2% were killed by an impact with a car.
Tennessee then hired an Ornithological Behaviorist to determine the disproportionate percentages for truck versus car kill.
The Ornithological Behaviorist determined the cause in short order.
When crows eat road kill, they always set up a lookout crow in a nearby tree to warn of impending danger.
His conclusion was – while all the lookout crows could say "Caw", none could say "Truck."
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Post by Rebel on Jul 4, 2013 13:36:35 GMT -5
A little girl asked her mother, "How did the human race appear?"
The mother answered, "God made Adam and Eve and they had children, and so was all mankind made.."
Two days later the girl asked her father the same question.. The father answered, "Many years ago there were monkeys from which the human race evolved."
The confused girl returned to her mother and said, "Mom, how is it possible that you told me the human race was created by God, and Dad said they developed from monkeys?"
The mother answered, "Well, dear, it is very simple. I told you about my side of the family and your father told you about his."
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