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Post by Rebel on May 7, 2009 11:51:20 GMT -5
WRONG E-MAIL ADDRESS A Minneapolis couple decided to go to Florida to thaw out during a particularly icy winter. They planned to stay at the same hotel where they spent their honeymoon 20 years earlier.
Because of hectic schedules, it was difficult to coordinate their travel schedules. So, the husband left Minnesota and flew to Florida on Thursday, with his wife flying down the following day.The husband checked into the hotel. There was a computer in his room, so he decided to send an email to his wife. However, he accidentally left out one letter in her email address, and without realizing his error, sent the email.
Meanwhile, somewhere in Houston , a widow had just returned home from her husband's funeral. He was a minister who was called home to glory following a heart attack.
The widow decided to check her email expecting messages from relatives and friends. After reading the first message, she screamed and fainted. The widow's son rushed into the room, found his mother on the floor, and saw the computer screen which read:
To: My Loving Wife
Subject: I've Arrived
Date: October 16, 2005
I know you're surprised to hear from me. They have computers here now and you are allowed to send emails to your loved ones. I've just arrived and have been checked in. I've seen that everything has been prepared for your arrival tomorrow. Looking forward to seeing you then! Hope your journey is as uneventful as mine was.
P.S. Sure is freaking hot down here!
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Post by kliff on May 10, 2009 10:35:47 GMT -5
I knew a joke once......oh....'scuse me, I remember now, that was my first wife!
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Post by harrywr2 on May 27, 2009 22:01:45 GMT -5
Jack wakes up with a huge hangover after attending his company's party.
Jack is not normally a drinker, but the drinks didn't taste like alcohol at all.
He didn't even remember how he got home from the party. As bad as he was feeling, he wondered if he did something wrong.
Jack had to force himself to open his eyes, and the first thing he sees is a couple of aspirins next to a glass of water on the side> table.
And, next to them, a single red rose!! Jack sits up and sees his clothing in front of him, all clean and pressed.
He looks around the room and sees that it is in perfect order, spotlessly clean.. So is the rest of the house.
He takes the aspirins, cringes when he sees a huge black eye staring back at him in the bathroom mirror.
Then he notices a note hanging on the corner of the mirror written in red with little hearts on it and a kiss mark from his wife in lipstick:
'Honey, breakfast is on the stove, I left early to get groceries to make you your favorite dinner tonight. I love you, darling! Love, Jillian'
He stumbles to the kitchen and sure enough, there is hot breakfast, steaming hot coffee and the morning newspaper.
His 16 year old son is also at the table, eating.
Jack asks, 'Son, what happened last night?' 'Well, you came home after 3 a.m., drunk and out of your mind you fell over the coffee table and broke it, and then you puked in the hallway, and got that black eye when you ran into the door'
Confused, he asked his son, 'So, why is everything in such perfect order and so clean? I have a rose, and breakfast is on the table waiting for me??' His son replies, 'Oh THAT... Mom dragged you to the bedroom, and when she tried to take your pants off, you screamed, 'Leave me alone $$#@, I'm married!!'
Broken coffee Table $239.99
Hot breakfast $4.20
Two aspirins $.38
Saying the right thing, at the right time: PRICELESS!
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dademoss
Non-Com
Lance Corporal, !st DIV, 2nd Bt, Hand Thrown Weapons Specialists
Darrin is in his own little world
Posts: 91
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Post by dademoss on May 29, 2009 8:05:13 GMT -5
2 guys walk into a bar, don't you think one of them would have seen it? ok thats not really the joke but it made ya snicker didn't it. Ok a guy walks into a bar ,goes to the bar tender and orders a jack and coke ,the bar tender reaches under the bar and grabs an apple and hands it to the guy guy looks strangely and says i wanted a jack and coke not an apple ! barkeep say try it ! guys bites the apple ,OH MY GOD that tastes like jack ! ;D barkeep says now turn it over OH MY GOD that side tastes like coke!! ;D That is amazing !! ;D ok ok , how about a fuzzy navel ? barkeep again reaches under the bar and pulls out another apple guy picks it up and bites it OH MY GOD its orange !! ;D barkeep says turn it over HOLY COW !! That tastes like peach !!! ;D guy says now if you could make one of these that tastes like a certain part of the female genitalia you could be a rich man !! again the bar keep reaches under the bar and grabs an appple and puts it on the bar the looks at it and says whats this one? barkeep says try it ! guys takes a big old bite!! (spits it out on the floor) HOLY MOTHER OF GOD that tastes like SH!!T !!! barkeep says turn it over ! ;D Darrin
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phaze5
Non-Com
First Sargeant, Div. Security, Surveilance, and Interogation
i tell it the way it is sorry
Posts: 156
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Post by phaze5 on Jun 1, 2009 16:56:18 GMT -5
i got nothin lol
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dademoss
Non-Com
Lance Corporal, !st DIV, 2nd Bt, Hand Thrown Weapons Specialists
Darrin is in his own little world
Posts: 91
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Post by dademoss on Jun 2, 2009 13:58:26 GMT -5
A new joke A bear walks into the bar and orders a drink the barkeep says we don't serve bears here the bear says give me a drink or i will eat that girl sitting over there again the barkeep says we don't serve bears so the bear eats the girl and goes back to the bar now give me a drink the barkeep says we don't serve drug addicts here either drug addicts ? says the bear i am no drug addict !! oh yes you are says the barkeep that was a bar bitch you ate !! Darrin
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Post by Montanaborn on Jun 5, 2009 12:31:32 GMT -5
A man calls home to his wife and says,
'Honey, I have been asked to fly to Canada with my boss and several of his friends for fishing.We'll be gone for a long weekend.This is a good opportunity for me to get that promotion I've been wanting so could you please pack enough clothes for a 3 day weekend.....
And also would you get out my rod and tackle box from the attic? We're leaving at 4:30 pm from the office and I will swing by the house to pick my things up..
'Oh! And please pack my new navy blue silk pajamas.'
The wife thinks this sounds a bit odd, but, being the good wife, She does exactly what her husband asked.
Following the long weekend he came home a little tired, but, otherwise, looking good.The wife welcomes him home and asks if he caught many fish?
He says, 'Yes! Lots of Walleyes, some Bass, and a few Pike.
But why didn't you pack my new blue silk pajamas like I asked you to do?
You'll love the answer.
X
X
X
X
X
X
X
X
X
X
X
The wife replies, ' I did, they're in your tackle box.
Never, never, ever, ever try to outsmart a woman!!!
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Post by Montanaborn on Jun 10, 2009 15:44:14 GMT -5
An old Italian lived alone in New Jersey . He wanted to plant his annual tomato garden, but it was very difficult work as the ground was hard.
His only son, Vincent, who used to help him, was in prison. The old man wrote a letter to his son and described his predicament:
Dear Vincent, I am feeling pretty sad, because it looks like I won't be able to plant my tomato garden this year. I'm just getting too old to be digging up a garden plot. I know if you were here my troubles would be over.. I know you would be happy to dig the plot for me, like in the old days. Love, Papa
A few days later he received a letter from his son.
Dear Pop, Don't dig up that garden. That's where the bodies are buried. Love, Vinnie
At 4 a.m. the next morning, FBI agents and local police arrived and dug up the entire area without finding any bodies. They apologized to the old man and left.
That same day the old man received another letter from his son.
Dear Pop, Go ahead and plant the tomatoes now. That's the best I could do under the circumstances.
Love you, Vinnie
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Post by Rebel on Jun 18, 2009 1:26:16 GMT -5
Why Parents Drink
A father passing by his son's bedroom was astonished to see that his bed was nicely made and everything was picked up. Then he saw an Envelope, propped up prominently on the pillow that was addressed to 'Dad.'
With the worst premonition he opened the envelope with trembling hands and read the letter.
Dear Dad:
It is with great regret and sorrow that I'm writing you. I had to elope with my new girlfriend because I wanted to avoid a scene with Mom and you.
I have been finding real passion with Stacy and she is so nice.
But I knew you would not approve of her because of all her piercing, tattoos, tight motorcycle clothes and the fact that she is much older than I am. But it' s not only the passion...Dad she's pregnant.
Stacy said that we will be very happy..
She owns a trailer in the woods and has a stack of firewood for the whole winter. We share a dream of having many more children.
Stacy has opened my eyes to the fact that marijuana doesn't really hurt anyone. We'll be growing it for ourselves and trading it with the other people that live nearby for cocaine and ecstasy.
In the meantime we will pray that science will find a cure for AIDS so Stacy can get better. She deserves it.
Don't worry Dad. I'm 15 and I know how to take care of myself.
Someday I'm sure that we will be back to visit so that you can get to know your grandchildren.
Love, Your Son John
PS. Dad, none of the above is true. I'm over at Tommy's house.
I Just wanted to remind you t hat there are worse things in life than a Report card .
That's in my center desk drawer.
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Post by oldchopperguy on Jun 19, 2009 2:55:38 GMT -5
Old pilot's advice...
Many younger pilots are quick to tell you that if you're forced to make an emergency landing, forget about finding a lake: water is just as hard as the ground at any real speed.
While rachet-jawing with an OLD pilot buddy, I mentioned this and he chuckled and replied: "If water was REALLY as hard as ground, you'd see pelicans diving for gophers."
Might hold true for scooters too!
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Post by Montanaborn on Jun 26, 2009 8:01:47 GMT -5
Steven gets home late one night and, Linda, his wife says, "Where in the hell have you been?" Steve replies, "I was out getting a tattoo." "A tattoo?" she frowned. "What kind of tattoo did you get?"
"I got a hundred dollar bill on my privates," he said proudly. "What the hell were you thinking?!" she said, shaking her head in disgust. "Why on earth would a farmer get a hundred dollar bill tattooed on his privates?'" "Well, One, I like to watch my money grow." Two, once in a while I like to play with my money. Three, I like how money feels in my hand. And, lastly, instead of you going out shopping, you can stay right here at home and blow a hundred bucks anytime you want." Steve is recovering in room 232 at the Hospital!
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Post by Rebel on Oct 3, 2009 12:46:10 GMT -5
OK, political joke, if you are a left winger, don't read further, it might offend you, I just thought it was funny OK?
Circle Flies
A cowboy from Texas attends a social function where Barack Obama is trying to gather more support for his Health Plan. Once he discovers the cowboy is from President Bush's home area, he starts to belittle him by talking in a southern drawl and single syllable words.
As he was doing that, he kept swatting at some flies that were buzzing around his head. The cowboy says, "Y'all havin' some problem with them circle flies?"
Obama stopped talking and said, "Well, yes, if that's what they're called, but I've never heard of circle flies."
"Well Sir," the cowboy replies, "circle flies hang around ranches. They're called circle flies because they're almost always found circling around the back end of a horse."
"Oh," Obama replies as he goes back to rambling. But, a moment later he stops and bluntly asks, "Are you calling me a horse's ass?"
"No, Sir," the cowboy replies, "I have too much respect for the citizens of this country to call their President a horse's ass."
"That's a good thing," Obama responds and begins rambling on once more.
After a long pause, the cowboy, in his best Texas drawl says, "Hard to fool them flies, though."
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Post by flyangler on Oct 6, 2009 18:21:22 GMT -5
Ya I'm a lefty but it's still funny, I've always liked political humor regardless of which side its aimed at.
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Post by Montanaborn on Oct 29, 2009 10:52:44 GMT -5
A Horse, A Chicken & A Harley On the farm lived a chicken and a horse, both of whom loved to play together. One day the two were playing, when the horse fell into a bog and began to sink. Scared for his life, the horse whinnied for the chicken to go get the farmer for help! Off the chicken ran, back to the farm. Arriving at the farm, he searched and searched for the farmer, but to no avail, for he had gone to town with the only tractor. Running around, the chicken spied the farmer's new Harley. Finding the keys in the ignition, the chicken sped off with a length of rope hoping he still had time to save his friend's life. Back at the bog, the horse was surprised, but happy, to see the chicken arrive on the shiny Harley, and he managed to get a hold of the loop of rope the chicken tossed to him. After tying the other end to the rear bumper of the farmer's bike, the chicken then drove slowly forward and, with the aid of the powerful bike, rescued the horse! Happy and proud, the chicken rode the Harley back to the farmhouse, and the Farmer was none the wiser when he returned. The friendship between the two animals was cemented: Best Buddies, Best Pals. A few weeks later, the chicken fell into a mud pit, and soon, he too, began to sink and cried out to the horse to save his life! The horse thought a moment, walked over, and straddled the large puddle. Looking underneath, he told the chicken to grab his hangy-down thingy and he would then lift him out of the pit. The chicken got a good grip, and the horse pulled him up and out, saving his life. The moral of the story?? (yep, you betcha, there's a moral to this here one!) 'When You're Hung Like A Horse, You Don't Need A Harley To Pick Up Chicks!?
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Post by shescoots on Nov 5, 2009 16:53:51 GMT -5
Only in Texas my friends..... too bad. .. ;D
A lawyer runs a stop sign and gets pulled over by a sheriff's deputy. He thinks he is smarter than the deputy because he is a lawyer from New York and he is certain that he has a better education than any cop from Houston Texas. He decides to prove himself and have some fun as the Texas deputy's exspence.
The deputy says, " Licence and registration, please. "
"What for?" says the lawyer
" You didn't come to a comlplete stop at the stop sign," says the deputy
Then the lawyer says, " I slowed down and no one was coming."
" You still didn't come to a complete stop.", says the deputy. " Licence and restration, please."
The lawyer asks, " What's the difference? "
" The difference is you have to come to a complete stop at a stop sign, that's the law. Licence and restration, please!" the deputy repeats
Lawyer says, " If you can show me the legal difference between slow down and stop, I'll give you my licence and registration, and you give me a ticket. If not, you let me go and not give me the ticket."
"That sounds fair. Please exit your car sir," the deputy says.
At this point the deputy takes out his night stick and starts beating the daylights out of the lawyer and says, " Do you want me to stop or just slow down?"
God Bless Texas
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