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Post by craisin on Aug 9, 2013 23:15:51 GMT -5
A couple are married and spent the first three weeks of their marriage on honeymoon in Tahiti.
On returning the new groom sees his motorbike is a litle dusty so he pushes out onto the drive and starts to wash it.
His new wife comes down and says "Honey, now that we are married, don't you think it's time to sell the bike? It's pretty dangerous to be riding bike and we can use the money towards a house".
The groom looks at her and says "Dear, you're starting to sound like my ex-wife!"
"What ex-wife," she exclaims. "I didn't know you were married before!"
He replies "I wasn't ... "
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Post by craisin on Aug 9, 2013 23:20:29 GMT -5
Old Fart Football
An old married couple no sooner hit the pillows when the old man breaks wind and says, 'Goal.'
His wife rolls over and says, 'What in the world was that?'
The old man replied, 'its fart football.'
A few minutes later his wife lets one go and says, 'One each, tie score”....'
After about five minutes the old man lets another one go and says, 'Aha. I'm ahead 2 to 1.'
Not to be outdone the wife rips out another one and says, '2- 2, tie score.'
Five seconds go by and she lets out a little squeaker and says, ' I lead 3 to 2.' Now the pressure is on the old man
He refuses to get beaten by a woman, so he strains real hard. Since defeat is totally unacceptable, he gives it everything he's got, and accidentally craps in the bed.
The wife says, 'What the hell was that?'
The old man says, 'Half time, switch sides...
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Post by craisin on Oct 27, 2013 3:43:00 GMT -5
Life is like a penis - simple, relaxed and hanging free...it's women who make it hard.
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Post by craisin on Oct 27, 2013 3:47:57 GMT -5
A hippie gets onto a bus and sits next to a nun in the front seat. The hippie looks over and asks the nun if she would have sex with him.
The nun, surprised by the question, politely declines and gets off at the next stop. When the bus starts again, the bus driver says to the hippie, "If you want, I can tell you how you can get that nun to have sex with you."
The hippie of course says that he'd love to know, so the bus driver tells him that every Tuesday evening at midnight the nun goes to the cemetery to pray to the lord. "If you went dressed in robes and some glowing powder," says the bus driver, "You could tell her you were God and command her to have sex with you."
The hippie decides to try this out. That Tuesday, he goes to the cemetery and waits for the nun. Right on schedule, the nun shows up. While she's in the middle of praying, the hippie walks out from hiding, in robes and glowing with a mask of god. "I am God, I have heard your prayers and I will answer them but you must have sex with me first," he says.
The nun agrees but asks for anal sex so she might keep her virginity. The hippie agrees to this and quickly sets about having sex with the nun.
After the hippie finishes, he rips off his mask and shouts out, "Ha ha, I'm the hippie! "
The nun replies by whipping off her mask and shouting, "Ha ha, Bus driver!"
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Post by craisin on Oct 27, 2013 3:50:37 GMT -5
A woman walks in to a gynecologists office. he looks at her and all of his professionalism goes out the window cuz she is fiiiiiine.
He asks her to undress and he then proceeds to touch her up on the inside of her legs. ’do you know what I'm doing?’ he asks her. ’Yes your checking for any broken or damaged skin.’
’yes’ he replies. he then begins to fondle her tits, ’do you know what I'm doing now?’ he asks her. ’yes, your checking for any lumps that could be cancerous.’ ’yes’ he replied.
then he mounted her and started having sex with her, ’do you know what I'm doing now?’ he asks her. ’yeh, your getting herpes, which is why I came to see you!’
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Post by craisin on Oct 27, 2013 3:57:42 GMT -5
Today I was beaten up by a woman. I was in the elevator when that busty lassy got in. I was staring at her boobs, when she said, would you please press 1..?
So I did.
I don't remember much afterwards....
Recovery time 4 - 6 week.
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Post by craisin on Nov 25, 2013 10:03:35 GMT -5
A man escapes from a prison where he’s been locked up for 15 years He breaks into a house and inside, he finds a young couple in bed. He ties him to a chair. While tying the wife to the bed, the convict gets on top of her, kisses her neck..., then gets up and goes into the bathroom While he’s in there, the husband whispers over to his wife, “Listen, this guy is an escaped convict. Look at his clothes! He’probably spent a lot of time in jail and hasn't seen a woman in years. I saw how he kissed your neck. If he wants sex, don’t resist, don’t complain. Do whatever he tells you. Satisfy him no matter how much he nauseates you. This guy is obviously very dangerous. If he gets angry, he’ll kill us both. Be strong, honey. I love you!”
She responds: “He wasn't kissing my neck.He was whispering in my ear. He told me that he’s gay, thinks you’re cute, and asked if we had any Vaseline. I told him it was in the bathroom. Be strong honey. I love you,too.”
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Post by craisin on Nov 25, 2013 10:05:34 GMT -5
A dog lover, whose dog was a female and "in heat', agreed to look after her neighbor's male dog while the neighbors were on vacation. She had a large house and believed that she could keep the two dogs apart. However, as she was drifting off to sleep she heard awful howling and moaning sounds, rushed downstairs and found the dogs locked together, in obvious pain and unable to disengage, as so frequently happens when dogs mate. Unable to separate them, and perplexed as to what to do next, although it was late, she called the vet, who answered in a very grumpy voice. Having explained the problem to him, the vet said, "Hang up the phone and place it down alongside the dogs. I will then call you back and the noise of the ringing will make the male lose his erection and he will be able to withdraw." "Do you think that will work?" she asked. "Just worked on me," he replied.
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Post by craisin on Jan 3, 2014 2:12:28 GMT -5
As I hurtled through space, one thought kept crossing my mind - every part of this rocket was supplied by the lowest bidder. – John Glenn
When the white missionaries came to Africa they had the Bible and we had the land. They said 'Let us pray.' We closed our eyes. When we opened them...we had the Bible and they had the land! – Desmond Tutu
America is the only country where a significant proportion of the population believes that professional wrestling is real, but the moon landing was faked. – David Letterman
I'm not a paranoid, deranged millionaire. I'm a billionaire. – Howard Hughes
After the game, the King and the Pawn go into the same box. – Italian proverb
The only reason they say 'Women and children first' is to test the strength of the lifeboats. – Jean Kerr
I've been married to a communist and a fascist, and neither would take out the garbage. – Zsa Zsa Gabor
When a man opens a car door for his wife, it's either a new car or a new wife. – Prince Philip
A computer once beat me at chess, but it was no match for me at kickboxing. – Emo Philips
Wood burns faster when you have to cut and chop it yourself. – Harrison Ford
The best cure for sea sickness, is to sit under a tree. – Spike Milligan
Lawyers believe a man is innocent until proven broke. – Robin Hall
Kill one man and you're a murderer, kill a million and you're a conqueror. – Jean Rostand
Having more money doesn't make you happier. I have 50 million dollars but I'm just as happy as when I had 48 million. – Arnold Schwarzenegger
We are here on earth to do good unto others. What the others are here for, I have no idea. – W.H. Auden
If life were fair Elvis would still be alive today and all the impersonators would be dead. – Johnny Carson
Hollywood must be the only place on earth where you can be fired by a man wearing a Hawaiian shirt and a baseball cap. – Steve Martin
America is so advanced, that even the chairs are electric. – Doug Hamwell
The first piece of luggage on the carousel never belongs to anyone. – George Roberts
If God had intended us to fly, he would have made it easier to get to the airport. – Jonathan Winters
I have kleptomania, but when it gets bad, I take something for it. – Robert Benchley
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Post by craisin on Jan 21, 2014 1:14:21 GMT -5
A wife is a sex object. Every time you ask for sex, she objects.
Marriage is the only war where you get to sleep with the enemy.
A couple just married were happy with the whole thing. He was happy with the Hole and she was happy with the Thing.
Why do men find it difficult to make eye contact? Answer: Breasts don't have eyes.
a couple always had sex doggy style: He sat up and begged and she rolled over and played dead.
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Post by craisin on Feb 6, 2014 14:36:06 GMT -5
I was so depressed last night thinking about my retirement, the economy, the wars, lost jobs, etc. that I called a Suicide Hotline. I was connected to a call centre in Pakistan. When I told them I was suicidal they got excited and asked if I could drive a truck........
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Post by craisin on Feb 6, 2014 14:43:16 GMT -5
This farmer buys a new young rooster, He took him home and put him in the coop the older roster that was there says to the younger one " The farmer bought you because I'm getting old and he's going to shoot me, so I'm asking rooster to rooster make pretend were in a fight so I can save face in front of the chickens" and the younger rooster agreed. The farmer heard this noise in the chicken pen so thinking a fox was in there he got his gun and ran outside To his surprise he saw the younger rooster chasing the older one so he shot it. Shaking his head as he went inside he said " God Damn 3rd queer rooster I shot this week"
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Post by Rebel on Feb 9, 2014 1:32:54 GMT -5
IDIOT SIGHTING We had to have the garage door repaired. The Sears repairman told us that one of our problems was that we did not have a 'large' enough motor on the opener. I thought for a minute, and said that we had the largest one Sears made at that time, a 1/2 horsepower. He shook his head and said, 'Lady, you need a 1/4 horsepower.' I responded that 1/2 was larger than 1/4. He said, 'NO, it's not..' Four is larger than two.'
We haven't used Sears repair since.
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Post by Rebel on Feb 9, 2014 1:33:32 GMT -5
IDIOT SIGHTING I was at the airport, checking in at the gate when an airport employee asked, 'Has anyone put anything in your baggage without your knowledge?' To which I replied, 'If it was without my knowledge, how would I know?' He smiled knowingly and nodded, 'That's why we ask.'
Happened in Birmingham , Ala.
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Post by craisin on Feb 9, 2014 5:07:05 GMT -5
Kinky is using a feather. Perverted is using the whole chicken
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