|
Post by Montanaborn on Nov 6, 2009 7:10:59 GMT -5
A cop was on his horse waiting to cross the street when a little girl on her new shiny bike stopped beside him.
"Nice bike," the cop said. "Did Santa bring it to you?"
"Yep," the little girl said, "he sure did!"
The cop looked the bike over and handed the girl a $5 ticket for a safety violation and said, "Next year tell Santa to put a reflector light on the back of it."
The young girl looked up at the cop and said, "Nice horse you've got there sir. Did Santa bring it to you?"
"Yes, he sure did," chuckled the cop.
The little girl looked up at the cop and said, "Next year, tell Santa the dick goes underneath the horse, not on top!
|
|
|
Post by Rebel on Dec 13, 2009 22:27:33 GMT -5
Subject: Harley Davidson Facts Harley-Davidson Facts The inventor of the Harley-Davidson motorcycle, Arthur Davidson , died and went to heaven. At the gates, St. Peter told Arthur . 'Since you've been such a good man and your motorcycles Have changed the world, your reward is, you can hang out with anyone you want to in heaven.' Arthur thought about it for a minute and then said, ' I want to hang out with God.' St. Peter took Arthur to the Throne Room, and introduced him to God. God recognized Arthur and commented, 'Okay, so you were the one who invented the Harley-Davidson motorcycle? ' Arthur said, 'Yeah, that's me...' God commented: 'Well, what's the big deal in inventing something that's pretty unstable, makes noise and pollution and can't run without a road?' Arthur was a bit embarrassed, but finally spoke, 'Excuse me, but aren't you the inventor of woman?' God said, 'Ah, yes.' 'Well,' said Arthur , professional to professional, you have some major design flaws in your invention ! 1. There's too much inconsistency in the front-end suspension 2. It chatters constantly at high speeds 3. Most rear ends are too soft and wobbles about too much 4. The intake is placed way too close to the exhaust. 5. The maintenance costs are outrageous!!!! 'Hmmmmm, you may have some good points there,' replied God, 'hold on.' God went to his Celestial supercomputer, typed in a few words and waited for the results. The computer printed out a slip of paper and God read it. 'Well, it may be true that my invention is flawed,' God said to Arthur , 'but according to these numbers, more men are riding my invention than yours'.
|
|
|
Post by Rebel on Dec 18, 2009 0:04:43 GMT -5
This was this guy's first boat and he was taking it to the lake, but he wasn't quite sure of the correct procedure for launching a boat off a ramp. However, he figured it couldn't be that difficult to do, so he stopped by his Union office for advice, and they just told him... "Don't let the trailer get too deep in the water when you're launching your boat". Well later on, he couldn't understand what they meant by that, as he just could barely get his trailer in the water! Here's a picture worth a "thousand' words! Some people shouldn't be allowed to get married, have children or vote!
. . . . . . . . .
Sticker on back glass explains everything!!! . . .
|
|
|
Post by Rebel on Dec 18, 2009 0:06:19 GMT -5
Senior health care solution--according to Maxine Senior Health Care Solution
So you're a senior citizen and the government says no
healthcare for you, what do you do?
Our plan gives anyone 65 years or older a gun and 4 bullets.
Your are allowed to shoot 2 senators and 2 representatives.
Of Course, this means you will be sent to prison where you
will get 3 meals a day, a roof over your head, and all the health
care you need! New teeth, no problem. Need glasses, great.
New hip, knees, kidney, lungs, heart? All covered.
And who will be paying for all of this? The same government
that just told you that you are too old for health care.
Plus, because you are a prisoner, you don't have to pay any
income taxes anymore.
IS THIS A GREAT COUNTRY OR WHAT?!
|
|
|
Post by Rebel on Dec 19, 2009 14:48:42 GMT -5
An Alabama preacher said to his congregation, 'Someone in this congregation has spread a rumor that I belong to the Ku Klux Klan. This is a horrible lie and one which a Christian community cannot tolerate. I am embarrassed and do not intend to accept this. Now, I want the party who did this to stand up and ask forgiveness from God and this Christian Family.' No one moved. The preacher continued, 'Do you have the nerve to face me and admit this is a falsehood? Remember, you will be forgiven and in your heart you will feel glory Now stand and confess your transgression.' Again all was quiet. Then slowly, a drop-dead gorgeous blonde with a body that would stop traffic rose from the third pew. Her head was bowed and her voice quivered as she spoke, 'Reverend there has been a terrible misunderstanding. I never said you were a member of the Ku Klux Klan. I simply told a couple of my friends that you were a wizard under the sheets.' The preacher fell to his knees, his wife fainted, and the congregation roared.
|
|
FootScoot
Non-Com
Staff Sargeant, Mid-Western 2 wheel Mechanized Volunteers
Posts: 135
|
Post by FootScoot on Mar 2, 2010 23:13:00 GMT -5
3 couples were going to join a church, 1 couple was in their 20's, the next couple were in their 40's, and the last couple was in their 60's.
They were told they would have to abstain from having sex for 30 days to be able to join the congregation. 30 days later all the couples returned to the ministers office.
The minister asked the couple in their 60's if they had abstained, and they said yes, and that they hadn't given sex much thought.
The minister asked the couple in their 40's if they had abstained, and they said yes, although it was a little rough the first 2 weeks, but they just found different things to do.
The minister then asked the couple in their 20's if they had abstained, and they said it was horrible the first week, and they could barely control themselves the second week. They said the third week they were in the grocery store, and the wife had bent over to pick up a bag of potatoes, and the husband no longer being able to take it any longer, pulled her pants down and had her in the produce department. The minister told them they would not be allowed into the church. The husband then replied, that's OK. They won't let us in that grocery store anymore either. ;D
|
|
|
Post by Rebel on Mar 4, 2010 14:49:04 GMT -5
Thanks to Scooterchick for this one;
One Sunday, in counting the money in the weekly offering, the Pastor of a small Church, found a pink envelope containing $1,000. It happened again the next week.
The following Sunday, he watched as the offering was collected and saw an elderly woman put the distinctive pink envelope on the plate. This went on for weeks until the pastor, overcome by curiosity, approached her.
"Ma'am, I couldn't help but notice that you put $1,000 a week in the collection plate," he stated.
"Why yes," she replied, "every week my son sends me money and I give some of it to the church."
The pastor replied, "That's wonderful. But $1000 is a lot, are you sure you can afford this? How much does he send you?"
The elderly woman answered, "$10,000 a week." The pastor was amazed. "Your son is very successful; what does he do for a living?"
"He is a veterinarian," she answered. "That's an honorable profession, but I had no idea they made that much money," the pastor said. "Where does he practice?" "In Las Vegas, He owns two Cat Houses..."
|
|
|
Post by patticake on Mar 7, 2010 12:34:53 GMT -5
Joe was a single guy living at home with his father and working in the family business. When he found out he was going to inherit a fortune when his sick father died, he decided he needed a wife with whom to share his fortune.
One evening at an investment seminar he spotted the most beautiful woman he had ever seen. Her beauty took his breath away. “I may look like just an ordinary man,” he said to her, “but in just a few years, my father will pass, and I’ll inherit his large fortune.”
Impress, the woman took his business card and three months later, she became Joe’s stepmother.
Women are so much better at estate planning than men!!
|
|
|
Post by shescoots on Aug 21, 2010 20:52:13 GMT -5
A student asked the teacher, " Can I get into trouble for something I didn't do?" The teacher replied, " No, of course not". The student said, " That's a relief, cause I didn't do my homework".
|
|
|
Post by snakedoctor on Jan 28, 2011 10:42:50 GMT -5
This grumpy old man (kinda like myself) had just got a job at Wal-mart as a greeter. About 2 hours into his first day, a very loud, unattractive, mean acting woman walked into the store with her two kids, yelling obsentities at them all the way through the enterance.
As he had been instructed , he said pleasantly, good morning, and welcome to Wal-Mart... Nice children you have there. Are they twins?
The ugly woman stopped yelling long enough to say, Hell no, they ain't twins. The oldest one's nine and the the other one is seven. Why the hell would you think they're twins? Are you blind, or just stupid?
So he replied, I'm neither blind nor stupid, ma'am. I just couldn't believe you got laid twice.
have a good day and thank you for shopping at Wal-mart.
He was told he was not cut out for that kind of work
|
|
|
Post by snakedoctor on Jan 28, 2011 10:48:21 GMT -5
Snoring at Deer Camp The guys were all at a deer camp. No one wanted to room with Bob, because he snored so badly. They decided it wasn't fair to make one of them stay with him the whole time, so they voted to take turns.
The first guy slept with Bob and comes to breakfast the next morning with his hair a mess and his eyes all bloodshot. They said, "Man, what happened to you?" He said, "Bob snored so loudly, I just sat up and watched him all night."
The next night it was a different guy's turn. In the morning, same thing - hair all standing up, eyes all bloodshot. They said, "Man, what happened to you? You look awful!" He said, "Man, that Bob shakes the roof with his snoring. I watched him all night."
The third night was Fred's turn. Fred was a tanned, older cowboy; a man's man. The next morning he came to breakfast bright-eyed and bushy-tailed. "Good morning!" he said. They couldn't believe it. They said, "Man, what happened?" He said, "Well, we got ready for bed. I went and tucked Bob into bed, patted him on the butt, and kissed him goodnight. Bob sat up and watched me all night".
|
|
jmkjr72
contributing staff
Commander 132nd Northern Cav. Division
Posts: 2,779
|
Post by jmkjr72 on Mar 26, 2011 17:14:33 GMT -5
ACURA Always Catching Up, Rarely Ahead Asia's Curse Upon Rural America A Car Usually Rarely Appreciates
AMC Always Made Crap Autos May Combust
AUDI Accelerates Under Demonic Influence Always Unsafe Designs Implemented Always Under Diagnostic Inspection Always Upside-down, Double Interest Another Understated Dealer Incentive A Used Dodge Incognito
BMW Bob Marley and the Wailers Beautiful Mechanical Wonder Beautiful Models Wanted Bavarian Manure Wagon Biggest Metal Waste Big Money Works Bring My Wallet Burn My Wallet Bought My Wife Brutal Money Waster Break My Window Bring More Women Bring More Wrenches Bavarian Money Waster Bring My Wad! Blew My Wad! Big Money Wasted Bring Money Where? Buy More Women But Mom, Why? Big Manufactured Waste
BUICK Big Ugly Indestructible Car Killer Big Ugly Idiot's Cat Killer
CADILLAC Company Always Denies Its Lawful Liability After Collisions Company Asking Dealers If Local Lawyers Are Calling
CAMARO Cash Always Miniscule After Retail Overpricing
CHEVROLET Can Hear Every Valve Rap On Long Extended Trips Cheap, Hardly Efficient, Virtually Runs On Luck Every Time Cheap Heap Every Valve Rattles, Oil Leaks Every Time Cant Have Every Vehicle Race On Last Every Time Can hear every valve rattle, oil leaks every time Check Heads Every Valve Rattles Or Leaks Every Time Cracked Heads Every Valve Rattles Oil Leaks Every Time Cheap Heap Every Valve Rattling Oil Leaking Everywhere Truck
CHEVY Can Hear Every Valve, Rod, or Lifter Every Time Can't Have Everything Vern, YaknowwhatImean? Cheapest Heap Ever Visualized Yet Crap Hasn't Evolved Yet
CHRYSLER Everyone knows who Lee Iacocca is right? His name IACOCCA stands for: I Am Chairman Of Chrysler Corporation America
Company Has Recommended You Start Learning Engine Repair (From James Bragg) Company Has Rid Your Savings Legally: Electronic Robbery Chrysler Has Raped Your Sanity Loser - Expect Repercussions PT Loser (for PT Cruiser name) PT Boozer
CORVETTE Costly Ordinary Repairs, Very Expensive Transmissions Tires Etc (Sent in by Alan Boyd)
DAEWOO Damn All Engines With Oriental Operations Damn Asian Engineering Works Only Occasionally
DODGE Doing Overhauls Daily Gets Expensive Doesn't only die, gets eaten Darn Old Dirty Gas Eater Design Of Diabolical German Engineer Drips Oil, Drops Grease Everywhere Damned Old Dudes Going Everywhere Damn Overhauls Do Get Expensive Dear Old Dad's Garbage Engine Dodge Neon: Need Engine Overhauled Now (Sent in by Roger Markowitz) Darned Old Dirty Greasy Engine Don't Our Dealers Gouge Everyone
FERRARI Ferociously Elegant Racer Ravages All Roads Intuitively
FIAT Found In A Trashcan Fantastic In A Tightspot Finest Italian Automotive Technology Futile Italian Attempt at Transportation Failure In Italian Automotive Technology Fix It All the Time Fix it again, Tony! Fix It Another Time
FIRESTONE Firestone Inexplicably Recalls Explosive SUV Tires On Non-stable Explorers (I worked on this one for 2 hours! - Jeff) Firestone Overstates Reliability Data (The best one I've come up with yet, my personal fav.- Jeff)
FORD Aspire: A Swift Punt In Rear End PINTO: Please, It's Not Too Odious! PINTO: Pyrotechnics Inevitable; No Timer Onboard PINTO: Put In New Transmission Often Ford Pinto: Flaming Oven Roasted Driver-Passengers Incinerated Nine Times Over (Sent in by Laurin) THUNDERBIRD: This Hoopty Usually Needs Daily Engine Repair But It Rolls Downhill (Sent in by Roger Markowitz) MUSTANG - Motor Usually Starts Then Almost Never Goes Found on repairman's doorstep Found on rack daily Ford Owners Recommend Dodge Full Of Rust Deposits Faithful, Obedient, Reliable, Dependable F**KING OLD RETARDED DRIVER Ford Focus....Ford F**ck Us F**ker Only Rolls Downhill Fancy Oil Recycling Device Found On Rubbish Dump F***ed Over Road Disaster! F***ing Oakey's Really Dig'em F**king Obese Road Disasters F**king Old Retarded Dudes Frequent Overhaul, Rapid Depreciation F***ing Old Rebuilt Dodge For Old Retired Drunks Here's a good one: FORD backwards --> Driver Returns On Foot Here's another good one: FORD backwards --> Driver Relies On Family First On Recall Day Fast On Race Day For Off Road Driving Fireball On Rear Damage First On Race Day First On Rust and Deterioration Fix Or Repair Daily Found On Road, Dead Frequently Overhauled, Rarely Driven Fault Of R & D MUSTANG - Mostly Unwanted Scrap Tin And Needless Garbage F***ed On Raw Deal Fast Only Rolling Downhill Most tasteless one on the page: Found O.J. and Ron's DNA Flip Over, Read Directions Fork Over Remaining Dough F**king Owners Really Dumb F***ed On Race Day (F)illped (O)ver (R)esevation (D)ecoration (F)**ked (O)ver (R)ebuilt (D)iahatsu For Old Retired Dutchmen Found On Road Draggin Frickin Old Ragged Dumpster Fu**ed Over Rebuilt Dodge First On Repair Day FORD Owners Really Dumb From Our Reject Department LTD = Load of Trash from Detroit
GEO Get Everything Overpriced Got Everything Overhauled
GM Government Motors General Maintenance General Mistakes Generally Malfunctions General Misery Great Mess General Malpractice Genital Motors Give More GiMme Getting Malignant Got Me Grab Me
GMC God's Mechanical Curse Getting Mostly Crap GM Made Crap Generally Makes Clouds Garage Man's Companion Generic Motors Corporation Got A Mechanic Coming? Greatest Mistake Created Great Mountain of Crap Greasy Messy Contraption Gay Man's Chevy Generically Made Chevrolet Gimme My Checkbook! Get More Cash!
HONDA Had One, Never Did Again Horribly Overpriced, Needing Dad's Assistance Hang On, Not Done Accelerating Honest, Officer, Nobody Drank Anything (From James Bragg) Happy Owners Never Drive Anything else Honda Options: No Deal Available! Hold On, No Dealer Add-ons! Honda Options Never Deal Affordably Hang On, No Dealer Acquisitions!
HUMMER Hope U Made Me Extra Reliable (Sent in by Roger Markowitz) Huge Ugly Mother, Mostly Eats Resources
HYUNDAI Here's Y U Never Drive An Import Hope You Understand: Nothing's Drivable And Inexpensive Hardly Your Understanding New Dealer Allowance Incentive Hold Your Usual Nitpicks, Designs Are Improved Helps You Undergo New Debt After Inception Hang Your UNDerwear Anywhere Inside Hope You Understand, No Deals Available Inside
Jeep Just Empty Every Pocket Just Expect Every Problem (Sent in by a visitor) Just Eats Every Penny Just Everybody Else's Parts Junk Everyone Eventually Piles Just Expect Extra Payments
Jaguar Just A Guess U Are Rich (Sent in by Roger Markowitz) Jumps Around Grinds Uncontrollably Always Rusting Jump Around Get Up And Run
Kia Keep It Away! Kick It's Ass Korean Imitation Accord Korea's Imported Accident Killer's Imported Asset Kiss It Away Killed In Action Keep Inside Asia Korea Invades America Korean Industrial Accident Killer Implosion Awaits Killed In Accident
LAMBORGHINI Loser Always Maintains Big Old Rotten Gunk; Hardly Inflates Nobody's Image Lucky A Man By Owning Really Gives His Image Nice Inflation
Lincoln Litigant In Numerous Claims Of Legal Negligence (Sent in by Alan Boyd)
LOTUS Loads Of Trouble Usually Serious
Maserati Must Also Suggest Extra Rope And Towing Implements (Sent in by Roger Markowitz)
MAZDA Most Always Zipping Dangerously Along Must Always Zoom Down Asphalt Most Are Zealously Duped Always
MERCEDES My Expensive Race Car Emits Dense Exhaust Smoke - But Efficiency Near Zero Most Expensive Road Car Everyone Drives Except Steve Merger Engaged Reverse Chrysler Entering Decline Evident Soon
MITSUBISHI Manufactured In Taiwan Sold Under British Influence Shipped Here Incomplete Management Incessantly Tolerates Socially Unacceptable Behavior, Ignoring Sexual Harassment Incidents (Courtesy James Bragg, FightingChance.com) May Involve Turbos, Suck Unless Boost Is Seriously High Inside (Sent in by a visitor) Men In Tight Spots Uttering Bulls__t In Sexual Harassment Investigation
MOPAR Match Old Parts As Required Most Often Parked At Roadside Move Over, Power Approaching Rapidly My Old Pig Ain't Runnin' Move Over People Are Racing Mostly Old Parts And Rust Motor On Pavement After Race Moments Of Power Are Rare
NISSAN Nobody Intelligent Sorrowfully Saying Ahhh Nutz Need I Say Something About Nothing Never In Season Simply A No-show
OLDSMOBILE Old Ladies Driving Slowly Make Others Behind Infuriatingly Late Everyday Overpriced, Leisurely Driven Sedan Made Of Buick's Irregular Leftover Equipment Oldmobile
PLYMOUTH PLYMOUTH Please Leave Your Money Order Under The Hood (Sent in by Alan Boyd)
PONTIAC Poor Old Ninny Thinks It's A Cadillac Piece Of Nasty Tacky Icky Ass Crap Plan On Numerous Trips In Another Car FIREBIRD: Fast Irresistible Real Electrifying Bird Inexpensive Racing Dare-Devil Pretty Overpriced Not That I Am Concerned
PORSCHE Plenty Of Receipts. Sorry, Can't Have Everything PLENTY OF REPAIRS SERVICE CAN'T HELP EVERYTHING Proof Only Rich Snobby Children Have Everything
ROLLS Regal Opulent Lovely Luxury Sedan (Sent in by Alan Boyd)
SAAB Some Ass Actually Boughtit! Styling Absent After Buyout Backwards >>>> Bad Asses Always Suffocate Sorry Auto Assembled Backwards Sad Attempt At Beauty Send Another Automobile Back Swedish Automobiles Always Breakdown Sorry Assed American Buyers Start Adding Additional Brakefluid Stop Asking About Brakes! Sorry As A Bum
SALEEN Some Aristocrats Love Every Expensive Novelty
SATURN Sorry Assed Transmission Under Repair Now Some Argue That Ubiquitous Repairs Needed Send Another Towtruck Ubiquitous Repairs Needed Same American Trash Under Revised Name
SUBARU Stupid Urbanites Bumbling Around Rural Areas SUBARU backwards is: U R A BUS (You are a bus) Subaru: Souped Up Bad Ass Racing Unit Souped Up Blazingly Awesome Racing Unit
TOYOTA Too Often Yankees Overprice This Auto Totalled Only Yesterday, Officer Towed Away This One You Oughta Tow Away To Operate Your Own Terrific Automobile Tolerances Over Yielding, Often Towed Away Toyota Overcharges You On Their Accessories
VOLVO Very Odd Looking Vehicular Object Very Overpriced Lame Vehicle Options
VW VW Very Worrisome (Sent in by Alan Boyd) Virtually Worthless Very Wonderful Very Weird Very Old Lowered Kinky Sedan With A Great Engine Noise Volks Who?
|
|
|
Post by sunshinecma on Mar 28, 2011 2:14:55 GMT -5
|
|
jmkjr72
contributing staff
Commander 132nd Northern Cav. Division
Posts: 2,779
|
Post by jmkjr72 on Mar 28, 2011 13:55:32 GMT -5
a great fairy tale Attachments:
|
|
|
Post by Rebel on Mar 30, 2011 23:56:24 GMT -5
I didn't realize it, but these coupons are good for one gallon of gas at most retailers.
I have seen them around, but until recently I never took full advantage of them. I never realized their actual worth.
You probably have one or two just lying around somewhere. Now is the time to use them before they lose their value, and it's too late!! SEE COUPON BELOW...
. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . Attachments:
|
|