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Post by Rebel on Aug 3, 2011 11:47:13 GMT -5
Why Ethel changed motels
Last week, she checked into a motel on her 70th birthday and she was a bit lonely. She thought, "I'll call one of those men you see advertised in phone books for escorts and sensual massages." She looked through the phone book, found a full page ad for a guy calling himself Tender Tony - a very handsome man with assorted physical skills flexing in the photo. He had all the right muscles in all the right places, thick wavy hair, long powerful legs, dazzling smile, six pack abs and she felt quite certain she could bounce a quarter
off his well oiled bum....
She figured, what the heck, nobody will ever know. I'll give him a call.
"Good evening, ma'am, how may I help you? . . Oh my, he sounded sooo sexy!
Afraid she would lose her nerve if she hesitated, she rushed right in, "Hi, I hear you give a great massage. I'd like you to come to my motel room and give me one. No, wait, I should be straight with you. I'm in town all alone and what I really want is sex. I want it hot, and I want it now. Bring implements, toys, rubber, leather, whips, everything you've got in your bag of tricks. We'll go hot and heavy all night - tie me up, cover me in chocolate syrup and whipped cream, anything and everything, I' m ready!! Now how does that sound?"
He said, "That sounds absolutely fantastic, but you need to press 9 for an outside line."
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jmkjr72
contributing staff
Commander 132nd Northern Cav. Division
Posts: 2,779
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Post by jmkjr72 on Aug 22, 2011 22:20:50 GMT -5
Alumni Newsletter
A guy who purchased his lovely wife a Pocket Taser Stun Gun for their anniversary submitted this as a 'short' story for his alumni newsletter.
THE TASER GUN
Last weekend I saw something at Larry's Pistol & Pawn Shop that sparked my interest. The occasion was our 15th anniversary and I was looking for a little something extra for my wife Julie. What I came across was a 100,000-volt, pocket/purse-sized taser. The effects of the taser were supposed to be short lived, with no long-term adverse affect on your assailant, allowing her adequate time to retreat to safety. WAY TOO COOL!
Long story short, I bought the device and brought it home I loaded two triple-a batteries in the darn thing and pushed the button. Nothing! I was disappointed. I learned, however, that if I pushed the button AND pressed it against a metal surface at the same time; I'd get the blue arch of electricity darting back and forth between the prongs.??
AWESOME!!!?
Unfortunately, I have yet to explain to Julie what that burn spot is on the face of her microwave!
Okay, so I was home alone with this new toy, thinking to myself that it couldn't be all that bad with only two triple-A batteries, right?!!??
There I sat in my recliner, my cat Gracie looking on intently (trusting little soul) while I was reading the directions and thinking that I really needed to try this thing out on a flesh & blood moving target. I must admit I thought about zapping Gracie (for a fraction of a second) and thought better of it. She is such a sweet cat. But, if I was going to give this thing to my wife to protect herself against a mugger, I
did want some assurance that it would work as advertised. Am I wrong???
So, there I sat in a pair of shorts and a tank top with my reading glasses perched delicately on the bridge of my nose, directions in one hand, and taser in another.
The directions said that a one-second burst would shock and disorient your assailant; a two-second burst was supposed to cause muscle spasms and a major loss of bodily control; a three-second burst would reportedly make your assailant flop on the ground like a fish out of water.
Any burst longer than three seconds would be wasting the batteries.?
All the while I'm looking at this little device measuring about 5" long, less than 3/4 inch in circumference; pretty cute really and (loaded with two itsy, bitsy triple-A batteries) thinking to myself, "no possible
way!"??
What happened next is almost beyond description, but I'll do my best...
I'm sitting there alone, Gracie looking on with her head cocked to one side as to say "don't do it dumbass," reasoning that a one-second burst from such a tiny little ole thing couldn't hurt all that bad. I decided to give myself a one-second burst just for heck of it I touched the prongs to my naked thigh, pushed the button and...
HOLY MOTHER OF GOD, WEAPONS OF MASS DESTRUCTION!!!
I'm pretty sure Hulk Hogan ran in through the sidedoor, picked me up in the recliner, then body slammed us both on the carpet, over and over and over again. I vaguely recall waking up on my side in the fetal position, with tears in my eyes, body soaking wet, both nipples on fire, testicles nowhere to be found, with my left arm tucked under my body in the
oddest position, and tingling in my legs!
The cat was standing over me making meowing sounds I had never heard before, licking my face, undoubtedly thinking to herself, "Do it again, stupid, do it again!"
Note: If you ever feel compelled to "mug" yourself with a taser, one note of caution: there is no such thing as a one-second burst when you zap yourself! You will not let go of that thing until it is dislodged from your hand by a violent thrashing about on the floor. A three-second burst would be considered conservative.
SON-OF-A-*%#... That hurt like **% !!!
A minute or so later (I can't be sure, as time was a relative thing at that point), I collected my wits (what little I had left), sat up and surveyed the landscape. My bent reading glasses were on the mantel of the fireplace. How did they get up there??? My triceps, right thigh and both nipples were still twitching. My face felt like it had been shot up with Novocain, and my bottom lip weighed 88 lbs..
I'm still looking for my testicles! I'm offering a significant reward for their safe return!!
P. S. My wife loved the gift, and now regularly threatens me with it!
If you think Education is difficult, try being stupid
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Post by trx1 on Sept 25, 2011 17:43:58 GMT -5
We should all live so long as to be this kind of old man!
Toward the end of the Sunday service, the Minister asked, "How many of you have forgiven your enemies?"
80% held up their hands.
The Minister then repeated his question. All responded this time, except one man, an avid golfer named Walter Barnes, who attended church only when the weather was bad. "Mr. Barnes, it's obviously not a good morning for golf. It's good to see you here today. Are you not willing to forgive your enemies?"
"I don't have any," he replied gruffly.
"Mr. Barnes, that is very unusual. How old are you?"
"Ninety-eight," he replied. The congregation stood up and clapped their hands..
"Oh, Mr. Barnes, would you please come down in front & tell us all how a person can live ninety-eight years & not have an enemy in the world?"
The old golfer tottered down the aisle, stopped in front of the pulpit, turned around, faced the congregation, and said simply,
"I outlived all the sons of bitches
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Post by trx1 on Sept 25, 2011 18:42:42 GMT -5
heres a good one Indian Wanting Coffee:
An Indian walks into a cafe with a shotgun in one hand and pulling a male buffalo with the other. He says to the waiter: "Want coffee."
The waiter says, "Sure Chief. Coming right up."
He gets the Indian a tall mug of coffee.....
The Indian drinks the coffee down in one gulp, turns and blasts the buffalo with the shotgun, causing parts of the animal to splatter everywhere and then just walks out.
The next morning the Indian returns. He has his shotgun in one hand, pulling another male buffalo with the other. He walks up to the counter and says to the waiter: "Want coffee." The waiter says, "Whoa, Tonto! We're still cleaning up your mess from yesterday. What was all that about, anyway?"
The Indian smiles and proudly says,
"Training for position in United States Congress. Come in, drink coffee, shoot the bull, leave mess for others to clean up, Disappear for rest of day."
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Post by CAcoast on Nov 6, 2011 23:22:13 GMT -5
A great Marine One sunny day in 2013, an old man approached the White House from across Pennsylvania Avenue, where he'd been sitting on a park bench.
He spoke to the Marine standing guard and said, 'I would like to go in and meet with President Obama.' The Marine replied, 'Sir, Mr. Obama is not President and doesn't reside here.'
The old man said, 'Okay,' and walked away.
The following day, the same man approached the White House and said to the same Marine, 'I would like to go in and meet with President Obama'.
The Marine again told the man, 'Sir, as I said yesterday, Mr. Obama is not President and doesn't reside here.'
The man thanked him and again walked away . .
The third day, the same man approached the White House and spoke to the very same Marine, saying 'I would like to go in and meet with President Obama.' The Marine, understandably agitated at this point, looked at the man and said, 'Sir, this is the third day in a row you have been here asking to speak to Mr. Obama. I've told you already several times that Mr. Obama is not the President and doesn't reside here. Don't you understand?'
The old man answered, 'Oh, I understand you fine, I just love hearing your answer!'
The Marine snapped to attention, saluted, and said,
'See you tomorrow Sir.
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jmkjr72
contributing staff
Commander 132nd Northern Cav. Division
Posts: 2,779
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Post by jmkjr72 on Nov 19, 2011 11:53:57 GMT -5
I was eating lunch on the 20th of February with my 5-year-old granddaughter and I asked, "What day is tomorrow?"
She said, "It's President's Day!" She is a smart kid. I asked "What does President's Day mean?" I was waiting for something about Washington or Lincoln . . . .She replied, "President's Day is when President Obama steps out of the White House, and if he sees his shadow we have one more year of unemployment." You know, it hurts when hot coffee spurts out your nose.
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jmkjr72
contributing staff
Commander 132nd Northern Cav. Division
Posts: 2,779
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Post by jmkjr72 on Dec 13, 2011 20:41:56 GMT -5
YOUR DOG'S NEW YEAR RESOLUTIONS 1. I will not play tug-of-war with Dad's underwear when he's on the toilet. 2. The garbage collector is NOT stealing our stuff. 3. I do not need to suddenly stand straight up when I'm lying under the coffee table. 4. I will not roll my toys behind the fridge. 5. I must shake the rainwater out of my fur BEFORE entering the house. 6. I will not eat the cats' food, before, or after, they eat it. 7. I will stop trying to find the few remaining pieces of carpet in the house when I am about to throw up. 8. I will not throw up in the car. 9. I will not roll on dead seagulls, fish, crabs, etc. 10. The litter box is not a cookie jar. 11. I will not wake up Mommy by putting my cold, wet nose up her bottom end. 12. I will not chew my human's toothbrush and not tell them. 13. I will not chew crayons or pens, especially not the red ones, or my people will think that I am hemorrhaging. 14. When in the car, I will not insist on having the window rolled down when it's raining outside. 15. I will not drop soggy tennis balls in the underwear of someone who is sitting on the toilet. 16. We do not have a doorbell. Therefore, I will not bark each time I hear one on the television. 17. I will not steal my Mom's underwear and dance all over the back yard with them. 18. The sofa is not a face towel. Neither are Mom & Dad's laps. 19. My head does not belong in the refrigerator. 20. I will not bite the officer's hand when he reaches in for Mom's driver's license and car registration.
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jmkjr72
contributing staff
Commander 132nd Northern Cav. Division
Posts: 2,779
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Post by jmkjr72 on Dec 17, 2011 13:24:00 GMT -5
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Post by Rebel on Dec 17, 2011 14:47:52 GMT -5
Hmm, sounds more like the truth than a joke to me, the way life is. Then I guess to some people life is just a big joke, I'm not saying you are one of those I am sure you are not.
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jmkjr72
contributing staff
Commander 132nd Northern Cav. Division
Posts: 2,779
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Post by jmkjr72 on Dec 17, 2011 14:58:22 GMT -5
well the joke part of it is look at number 11 and who is on the pic bill gates and its from a school from india
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jmkjr72
contributing staff
Commander 132nd Northern Cav. Division
Posts: 2,779
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Post by jmkjr72 on Jan 1, 2012 17:09:00 GMT -5
Women's ass size study:
There is a new study about women and how they feel about their asses, the results were pretty interesting. 50% of women think their ass is too fat, 10% of women think their ass is too skinny, the remaining 40% say they don't care, they love him, he is a good man, and wouldn't trade him for the world...
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Post by Rebel on Feb 4, 2012 1:26:40 GMT -5
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Post by Rebel on Feb 16, 2012 19:40:35 GMT -5
Just failed the annual fire procedure test. ?? They wanted to know what the first steps you took were when you saw a fire.
Apparently very big steps away was not correct
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jmkjr72
contributing staff
Commander 132nd Northern Cav. Division
Posts: 2,779
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Post by jmkjr72 on Feb 16, 2012 23:10:49 GMT -5
no the first step is to hide the evidence then you take large fast steps
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Post by justbuggin on Feb 22, 2012 0:53:55 GMT -5
the def. between men and women brains
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