jmkjr72
contributing staff
Commander 132nd Northern Cav. Division
Posts: 2,779
|
Post by jmkjr72 on Mar 31, 2011 20:16:52 GMT -5
why you shouldnt drive a concrete truck on the sidewalk the driver got dang lucky he got hung up on his frame on the back its about 20 feet down
|
|
|
Post by Rebel on May 26, 2011 12:48:52 GMT -5
They Walk Among Us and Many Work Retail
I was at the checkout of a K-Mart. The cashier rang up $46.64 charges. I gave her a fifty dollar bill. She gave me back $46.64. I gave the money back to her and told her that she had made a mistake in MY favor. She became indignant and informed me she was educated and knew what she was doing, and returned the money again. I gave her the money back same scenario! I departed the store with the $46.64.
They Walk Among Us and Many Work Retail
I walked into a Starbucks with a buy-one-get- one-free coupon for a Grande Latte. I handed it to the girl and she looked over at a little chalkboard that said 'buy one-get one free.' 'They're already buy-one- get-one-free, ' she said, 'so I guess they're both free'. She handed me my free Lattes and I walked out the door.
They Walk Among Us!
One day I was walking down the beach with some friends when one of them shouted, 'Look at that dead bird!' Someone looked up at the sky and said, 'Where?'
They Walk Among Us!
While looking at a house, my brother asked the real estate agent which direction was north because, he explained, he didn't want the sun waking him up every morning. She asked, 'Does the sun rise in the North?. When my brother explained that the sun rises in the East, and has for sometime, she shook her head and said, 'Oh I don't keep up with all that stuff.'
They Walk Among Us!!
I used to work in technical support for a 24/7 call center. One day I got a call from an individual who asked what hours the call center was open. I told him, 'The number you dialed is open 24 hours a day, 7 days a week.' He responded, 'Is that Eastern or Pacific time?' Wanting to end the call quickly, I said, 'Uh, Pacific.'
They Walk Among Us!
My sister has a lifesaving tool in her car designed to cut through a seat belt if she gets trapped. She keeps it in the trunk.
They Walk Among Us!
My friends and I went out to buy beer and noticed that the cases were discounted 10%. Since it was a big party, we bought 2 cases. The cashier multiplied 2 times 10% and gave us a 20% discount.
They Walk Among Us!
I couldn't find my luggage at the airport baggage area, so I went to the lost luggage office and told the woman there that my bags never showed up. She smiled and told me not to worry because she was a trained professional and I was in good hands. 'Now,' she asked me, has your plane arrived yet?'
They Walk Among Us!
While working at a pizza place I observed a man ordering a small pizza to go. He appeared to be alone and the cook asked him if he would like it cut into 4 pieces or 6. He thought about it for some time before responding. 'Just cut it into 4 pieces; I don't think I'm hungry enough to eat 6 pieces.'
|
|
|
Post by Rebel on Jun 28, 2011 14:24:03 GMT -5
I was behind a rather large woman at the checkout. She had on a pair of jeans that said, 'Guess.' I said to her, "I don't know.........maybe 350 pounds."
|
|
|
Post by Rebel on Jun 28, 2011 14:24:25 GMT -5
I had just come out of the store with two porterhouse steaks, a jumbo sausage, a bag of chips, and a 6-pack of beer.
A homeless man sat there and said, "I haven't eaten for two days." I told him, "I wish I had your will power."
|
|
|
Post by Rebel on Jun 28, 2011 14:48:10 GMT -5
A former Sergeant, having served his time with the Marine Corps, took a new job as a school teacher, but just before the school year started he injured his back.
He was required to wear a plaster cast around the upper part of his body. Fortunately, the cast fit under his shirt and wasn't noticeable.
On the first day of class, he found himself assigned to the toughest students in the school. The smart alec punks, having already heard the new teacher was a former Marine, were leery of him and decided to see how tough he really was before trying any pranks.
Walking confidently into the rowdy classroom, the new teacher opened the window wide and sat down at his desk. When a strong breeze made his tie flap, he picked up a stapler and promptly stapled the tie to his chest. ...Dead silence... He had no trouble with discipline that year. SEMPER FI!
|
|
|
Post by Rebel on Jun 28, 2011 14:56:11 GMT -5
The Arizona Department of Safety Officer pulled over pick-up truck owner Mike Murray for a weapons check because of an NRA bumper sticker. When the officer approached the vehicle, the man behind the wheel handed the officer his driver's license, insurance card and concealed carry permit. The officer took all the documents, looked them over and said, "Mr. Murray, I see you have a CCP. Do you have any weapons with you?" The driver replied, "Yes I do. I have a 357 handgun in a hip holster, a .45 in the glove box and a .22 derringer in my boot."
The officer looked at Mike and asked, "Anything else?" "Yes. I have a Mossberg 500 12 gauge and an AR-15 in the trunk." The officer asked if the man was driving to or from a shooting range and the man said he wasn't, so the officer bent over and looked into the driver's face and said "Mr. Murray, you're carrying quite a few guns. May I ask what you are afraid of?" Mike locked eyes with the officer and calmly answered, "Not a damn thing!!"
|
|
jmkjr72
contributing staff
Commander 132nd Northern Cav. Division
Posts: 2,779
|
Post by jmkjr72 on Jun 28, 2011 18:26:05 GMT -5
i love that last one
|
|
|
Post by bamaguy on Jun 28, 2011 22:33:10 GMT -5
The Recession is hitting everybody because… I got a pre-declined credit card in the mail. * Exxon-Mobil laid off 25 Congressmen.. * A stripper was killed when her audience showered her with rolls of pennies while she danced. * I saw a Mormon polygamist with only one wife. * If the bank returns your check marked "Insufficient Funds," you call them and ask if they meant you or them. * Angelina Jolie adopted a child from America . * Parents in Beverly Hills fired their nannies and learned their children*s names. * A truckload of Americans was caught sneaking into Mexico . * A picture is now only worth 200 words. * When Bill and Hillary travel together, they now have to share a room. * The Treasure Island Casino in Las Vegas is now managed by Somali pirates. * Congress says they are looking into this Bernard Madoff scandal. Oh Great! The guy who made $50 Billion disappear is being investigated by the people who made $1.5 Trillion disappear! * And, finally... * I was so depressed last night thinking about the economy, wars, jobs, my savings, Social Security, retirement funds, etc., I called the Suicide Hotline. I got a call center in Pakistan, and when I told them I was suicidal, they got all excited, and asked if I could drive a truck?
|
|
|
Post by Rebel on Jun 29, 2011 1:04:45 GMT -5
|
|
|
Post by Rocketdog on Jun 29, 2011 7:14:33 GMT -5
This ones from Readers Digest and I'm going to shorten it a bit. A young Marine Private, from North Carolina, was standing inspection. When his turn came the officer said to him, "Son that flack jacket looks a little frayed". The young Private replied, "Sir, this here jacket ain't fraid of nothin".
RD
|
|
jmkjr72
contributing staff
Commander 132nd Northern Cav. Division
Posts: 2,779
|
Post by jmkjr72 on Jul 17, 2011 21:21:43 GMT -5
HIS AND HER DIARY FOR THE SAME DAY:
Her Diary:
Tonight, I thought my husband was acting weird. We had made plans to meet at a nice restaurant for dinner. I was shopping with my friends all day long, so I thought he was upset at the fact that I was a bit late, but he made no comment on it. Conversation wasn't flowing, so I suggested that we go somewhere quiet so we could talk. He agreed, but he didn't say much. I asked him what was wrong; He said, 'Nothing.' I asked him if it was my fault that he was upset. He said he wasn't upset, that it had nothing to do with me, and not to worry about it. On the way home, I told him that I loved him. He smiled slightly, and kept driving. I can't explain his behavior I don't know why he didn't say, 'I love you, too.' When we got home, I felt as if I had lost him completely, as if he wanted nothing to do with me anymore. He just sat there quietly, and watched TV. He continued to seem distant and absent. Finally, with silence all around us, I decided to go to bed.
About 15 minutes later, he came to bed. But I still felt that he was distracted, and his thoughts were somewhere else. He fell asleep - I cried. I don't know what to do. I'm almost sure that his thoughts are with someone else. My life is a disaster.
His Diary:
Bike wouldn't start, can't figure out why.
|
|
|
Post by Rebel on Jul 21, 2011 17:44:12 GMT -5
Found on the web
•the birds have to use potholders to pull worms out of the ground. •the potatoes cook underground, and all you have to do to have lunch is to pull one out and add butter, salt and pepper. •farmers are feeding their chickens crushed ice to keep them from laying hard-boiled eggs. •the cows are giving evaporated milk. •the trees are whistling for the dogs. •you no longer associate bridges (or rivers) with water. •you can say 113 degrees without fainting. •you eat hot chilies to cool your mouth off. •you can make instant sun tea. •you learn that a seat belt makes a pretty good branding iron. •the temperature drops below 95, you feel a bit chilly. •you've experienced condensation on your butt from the hot water in the toilet bowl. •you would give anything to be able to splash cold water on your face. •you can attend any function wearing shorts and a tank top. •The 4 seasons are: tolerable, hot, really hot, and ARE YOU KIDDING ME??!! •you discover that in July, it takes only 2 fingers to drive your car. •you discover that you can get a sunburn through your car window. •you notice the best parking place is determined by shade instead of distance. •hot water now comes out of both taps. •it's noon in July, kids are on summer vacation, and not one person is out on the streets. •you actually burn your hand opening the car door. •you break a sweat the instant you step outside at 7:30 a.m. before work. •no one would dream of putting vinyl upholstery in a car or not having air conditioning. •your biggest bicycle wreck fear is, "What if I get knocked out and end up lying on the pavement and cook to death?" •you realize that asphalt has a liquid state. •a sad Arizonan once prayed, "I wish it would rain - not so much for me, cuz I've seen it -- but for my 7-year-old."
|
|
|
Post by Rebel on Jul 21, 2011 17:46:15 GMT -5
More internet finds
It's so hot that I saw two trees fighting over a dog. : )
It's so hot, today I saw a chicken lay a fried egg.
It's so hot that it makes me want to take off my skin and sit in my bones
It was so hot in Palm Springs the Betty Ford Center said, "Screw it, open the bar. Drinks for everybody”
It was so hot today Floyd Landis tested positive for Snapple. It was so hot my cab driver was wearing an oscillating turban. It was so hot out that North Korea test launched a long range Popsicle. It was so hot today I saw a funeral procession pull into a Dairy Queen. It was so hot today I saw an Amish guy buying an air conditioner. It was so hot Bill Clinton got a slurpee and then went to 7/11.
|
|
jmkjr72
contributing staff
Commander 132nd Northern Cav. Division
Posts: 2,779
|
Post by jmkjr72 on Jul 26, 2011 12:12:21 GMT -5
The other day I needed to go to the emergency room. Not wanting to sit there for 4 hours, I put on my MAGIC GREEN HAT. When I went into the E.R., 3/4 of the people got up and left. I guess they decided they weren't that sick after all. Cut at least 3 hours off my waiting time. It also works at DMV. It saved me 5 hours. At the Laundromat, three minutes after entering, I had my choice of any machine, most still running. But don't try it at McDonald's. The whole crew got up and left and l never got my order! Attachments:
|
|
jmkjr72
contributing staff
Commander 132nd Northern Cav. Division
Posts: 2,779
|
Post by jmkjr72 on Jul 29, 2011 19:53:04 GMT -5
god i love it when a competitor does something stupid on a job site the best part is the guy was down inspecting some stuff in the trench right before he drove into it Attachments:
|
|