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Post by Rebel on Sept 29, 2012 1:27:49 GMT -5
FOOTBALL QUESTION... You might enjoy this piece of trivia about the Packers. Last year.....after the Packers/Bills game, Buffalo released quarterback Trent Edwards. During the Packers/Eagles game, the Packers injured Philadelphia quarterback Kevin Kolb. Philadelphia then had to play backup quarterback Michael Vick. During a playoff game against the Eagles, the Packers injured Michael Vick and another backup was needed. After the Packers/Cowboys game, Dallas fired Wade Phillips and most of his staff. After the Packers/Vikings game, Minnesota fired Brad Childress and most of his staff. Four weeks after losing to the Packers, the 49er's coach Mike Singletary and most of his staff were fired and replaced. During the Bears Playoff game, the Packers injured Jay Cutler and backup Todd Collins forcing the Bears to go with 3rd string quarterback Caleb Hanie. So here's the question.................. Is it just me, or did the Packers create more jobs last year than Obama? Sounds like they ran a pretty good race creating unemployment too.
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Post by Rebel on Oct 8, 2012 10:40:27 GMT -5
While walking down the street one day a Corrupt Senator (that may be redundant) was hit by a bus and died. His soul arrives in heaven and is met by St. Peter at the entrance. "Welcome to heaven," says St.. Peter. "Before you settle in, it seems there is a problem. We seldom see a high official around these parts, you see, so we're not sure what to do with you." "No problem, just let me in," says the Senator. "Well, I'd like to, but I have orders from the higher ups. What we'll do is have you spend one day in hell and one in heaven. Then you can choose where to spend eternity." "Really?, I've made up my mind. I want to be in heaven," says the Senator. "I'm sorry, but we have our rules." And with that, St. Peter escorts him to the elevator and he goes down, down, down to hell. The doors open and he finds himself in the middle of a green golf course. In the distance is a clubhouse and standing in front of it are all his friends and other politicians who had worked with him. Everyone is very happy and inevening dress. They run to greet him, shake his hand, and reminisce about the good times they had while getting rich at the expense of the people. They played a friendly game of golf and then dine on lobster, caviar and the finest champagne. Also present is the devil, who really is a very friendly guy who is having a good time dancing and telling jokes. They are all having such a good time that before the Senator realizes it, it is time to go. Everyone gives him a hearty farewell and waves while the elevator rises. The elevator goes up, up, up and the door reopens in heaven where St. Peter is waiting for him, "Now it's time to visit heaven...â€; So, 24 hours passed with the Senator joining a group of contented souls moving from cloud to cloud, playing the harp and singing. They have a good time and, before he realizes it, the 24 hours have gone by and St. Peter returns. "Well, then, you've spent a day in hell and another in heaven. Now choose your eternity." The Senator reflects for a minute, then he answers: "Well, I would never have said it before, I mean heaven has been delightful, but I think I would be better off in hell." So St. Peter escorts him to the elevator and he goes down, down, down to hell... Now the doors of the elevator open and he's in the middle of a barren land covered with waste and garbage. He sees all his friends, dressed in rags, picking up the trash and putting it in black bags as more trash falls to the ground. The devil comes over to him and puts his arm around his shoulders. "I don't understand," stammers the Senator. "Yesterday I was here and there was a golf course and clubhouse, and we ate lobster and caviar, drank champagne, and danced and had a great time. Now there's just a wasteland full of garbage and my friends look miserable. What happened?" The devil smiles at him and says, "Yesterday we were campaigning, Today, you voted.."
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jmkjr72
contributing staff
Commander 132nd Northern Cav. Division
Posts: 2,779
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Post by jmkjr72 on Oct 28, 2012 22:07:05 GMT -5
Pregnancy Q & A
Q: Should I have a baby after 35? A: No, 35 children is enough.
Q: I'm two months pregnant now. When will my baby move? A: With any luck, right after he finishes college. Q: What is the most common pregnancy craving? A: For men to be the ones who get pregnant. Q: What is the most reliable method to determine a baby's sex? A: Childbirth. Q: The more pregnant I get, the more often strangers smile at me. Why? A: 'Cause you're fatter than they are. Q: My wife is five months pregnant and so moody that sometimes she's borderline irrational. A: So what's your question? Q: My childbirth instructor says it's not pain I'll feel during labor, but pressure. Is she right? A: Yes, in the same way that a tornado might be called an air current. Q: When is the best time to get an epidural? A: Right after you find out you're pregnant. Q: Is there any reason I have to be in the delivery room while my wife is in labor? A: Not unless the word "alimony" means anything to you. Q: Is there anything I should avoid while recovering from childbirth? A: Yes, pregnancy. Q: Do I have to have a baby shower? A: Not if you change the baby's diaper very quickly. Q: Our baby was born last week. When will my wife begin to feel and act normal again? A: When the kids are in college.
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jmkjr72
contributing staff
Commander 132nd Northern Cav. Division
Posts: 2,779
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Post by jmkjr72 on Oct 28, 2012 22:07:44 GMT -5
Harvard scientists released the results of a recent analysis that revealed the presence of female hormones in beer. Men should take a concerned look at their beer consumption. The theory is that beer contains female hormones (hops contain phytoeostrogens) and that by drinking enough beer, men turn into women. To test the theory, 100 men were fed 8 pints of beer each within a 1-hour period. It was then observed that 100% of the test subjects: 1.) Gained weight 2.) Talked excessively without making sense
3.) Became overly emotional 4.) Couldn't drive 5.) Failed to think rationally 6.) Argued over nothing 7.) Had to sit down while urinating 8.) Refused to apologize when obviously wrong
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jmkjr72
contributing staff
Commander 132nd Northern Cav. Division
Posts: 2,779
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Post by jmkjr72 on Oct 28, 2012 22:10:30 GMT -5
The inventor of the Harley-Davidson motorcycle, Arthur Davidson, died and went to heaven. At the pearly gates, St. Peter told Arthur, "Since you've been such a good man and your motorcycles have changed the world, Your reward is, you can hang out with anyone you want in Heaven." Arthur thought about this for a minute and then said, "I want to hang out with God."
St. Peter took Arthur to the Throne Room and introduced him to God. God recognized Arthur and commented, "Okay, so you were the one who invented the Harley Davidson motorcycle?" Arthur said, "Yep, that's me." God said, "Well, what's the big deal in inventing something that's pretty unstable, makes noise and pollution and can't run without a road?" Arthur was apparently embarrassed, but finally he said, "Excuse me, but aren't you the inventor of woman?" God said, "Yes." "Well," said Arthur, "professional to professional, you have some major design flaws in your invention: 1. There's too much inconsistency in the front-end protrusions; 2. It chatters constantly at high speeds; 3. Most of the rear ends are too soft and wobble too much; 4. The intake is placed way too close to the exhaust; 5. And the maintenance costs are enormous!" "Hmmmmm, you have some good points there," replied God, "hold on." God went to His Celestial super computer, typed in some key words And waited for the results. The computer printed out a slip of paper and God read it. "Well, it may be true that my invention is flawed," God said to Arthur, "but according to these statistics, more men are riding my invention than yours."
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Post by Rebel on Feb 3, 2013 16:52:43 GMT -5
This would be more a brain teaser than a joke, I am old enough to remember all this stuff first hand.
Are You Smarter Than A 60 Year Old? THIS WAS HARDER THAN I THOUGHT... THE ANSWERS WERE ON THE TIP OF MY TONGUE... I REMEMBERED, BUT...
DON'T LOOK BELOW FOR THE ANSWERS UNTIL YOU HAVE TRIED IT OUT. A TEST FOR 'OLDER' KIDS. I was picky who I sent this to. It had to be those who might actually remember. So have some fun my sharp-witted friends. This is a test for us 'older kids'! The answers are printed below, (after the questions) but don't cheat! Answer them first.....
01. After the Lone Ranger saved the day and rode off into the sunset, the grateful citizens would ask, Who was that masked man? Invariably, someone would answer, I don't know, but he left this behind. What did he leave behind?________________.
02. When the Beatles first came to the U.S. In early 1964, we all watched them on The ____ ___________ Show.
03. 'Get your kicks, __ _________ _______.'
04. 'The story you are about to see is true. The names have been changed to ___________________.'
05. 'In the jungle, the mighty jungle, ________________.'
06. After the Twist, The Mashed Potato, and the Watusi, we 'danced' under a stick that was lowered as low as we could go in a dance called the '_____________.'
07. Nestle's makes the very best . .. . . _______________.'
08. Satchmo was America 's 'Ambassador of Goodwill.' Our parents shared this great jazz trumpet player with us. His name was _________________.
09. What takes a licking and keeps on ticking? _______________.
10. Red Skeleton's hobo character was named __________________ and Red always ended his television show by saying, 'Good Night, and '________ ________... '
11. Some Americans who protested the Vietnam War did so by burning their______________.
12. The cute little car with the engine in the back and the trunk in the front was called the VW. What other names did it go by? ____________ &_______________.
13. In 1971, singer Don MacLean sang a song about, 'the day the music died.' This was a tribute to ___________________.
14. We can remember the first satellite placed into orbit. The Russians did it. It was called ___________________.
15. One of the big fads of the late 50's and 60's was a large plastic ring that we twirled around our waist. It was called the __________ ______________.
16. Remember LS/MFT _____ _____/_____ _____ _____?
17. Hey Kids! What time is it? It's _____ ______ _____!
18. Who knows what secrets lie in the hearts of men? The _____ Knows!
19. There was a song that came out in the 60's that was "a grave yard smash". It's name was the ______ ______!
20. Alka Seltzer used a "boy with a tablet on his head" as it's Logo/Representative. What was the boy's name? ________
ANSWERS: 01.The Lone Ranger left behind a silver bullet. 02. The Ed Sullivan Show 03. On Route 66 04.To protect the innocent. 05.The Lion Sleeps Tonight 06. The limbo 07. Chocolate 08. Louis Armstrong 09. The Timex watch 10. Freddy, The Freeloader and 'Good Night and God Bless.' 11. Draft cards (Bras were also burned. Not flags, as some have guessed) 12. Beetle or Bug 13. Buddy Holly 14. Sputnik 15. Hoola-hoop 16. Lucky Strike/Means Fine Tobacco 17. Howdy Doody Time 18. Shadow 19. Monster Mash 20. Speedy
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JR
Recruit
Razor Back Rider
Posts: 40
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Post by JR on Feb 10, 2013 16:34:05 GMT -5
RETIRED HUSBAND > > After I retired, my wife insisted that I accompany her on her trips > to Target. > > Unfortunately, like most men, I found shopping boring and preferred > to get in and get out. > > Equally unfortunate, my wife is like most women - she loves to browse. > > Yesterday my dear wife received the following letter from the local > Target: > > > Dear Mrs. Harris, > > > Over the past six months, your husband has caused quite a commotion > in our store. > > > We cannot tolerate this behavior and have been forced to ban both of > you from the store. Our complaints against your husband, Mr. Harris, > are listed below and are documented by our video surveillance cameras: > > 1. June 15: He took 24 boxes of condoms and randomly put them in > other people's carts when they weren't looking. > > > > > > 2. July 2: Set all the alarm clocks in Housewares to go off at > 5-minute intervals. > > 3. July 7: He made a trail of tomato juice on the floor leading to > the women's restroom. > > > > > > 4. July 19: Walked up to an employee and told her in an official > voice,'Code 3 in Housewares. Get on it right away'. > > > This caused the employee to leave her assigned station and receive a > reprimand from her Supervisor that in turn resulted with a union grievance, > causing management to lose time and costing the company money. We don't have a > Code 3. > > 5. August 4: Went to the Service Desk and tried to put a bag of M&Ms on > layaway. > > 6. August 14: Moved a 'CAUTION - WET FLOOR' sign to a carpeted area. > > 7. August 15: Set up a tent in the camping department and told the > children shoppers he'd invite them in if they would bring pillows and blankets > from the bedding department to which twenty children obliged. > > 8. August 23: When a clerk asked if they could help him he began crying > and screamed, 'Why can't you people just leave me alone?' EMTs were called. > > 9. September 4: Looked right into the security camera and used it as a > mirror while he picked his nose. > > 10. September 10: While handling guns in the hunting department, he asked > the clerk where the antidepressants were. > > 11. October 3: Darted around the store suspiciously while loudly humming > the ' Mission Impossible' theme. > > 12. October 6 In the auto department, he practiced his 'Madonna look' > using different sizes of funnels. > > 13. October 18: Hid in a clothing rack and when people browsed through, > yelled 'PICK ME! PICK ME!' > > 14. October 22: When an announcement came over the loud speaker, he > assumed a fetal position and screamed 'OH NO! IT'S THOSE VOICES AGAIN!' > > 15. Took a box of condoms to the checkout clerk and asked where is the > fitting room? > > And last, but not least: > > 16. October 23: Went into a fitting room, shut the door, waited awhile, > and then yelled very loudly, 'Hey! There's no toilet paper in here.' One of > the clerks passed out. > > > >
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Post by Rebel on Feb 11, 2013 1:58:41 GMT -5
that was FUNNY! Just spent the day shopping with the wife.
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Post by hondamatic on Feb 11, 2013 20:42:29 GMT -5
Two hours into my first day of work as a Wal-Mart greeter, an ugly woman came in with her two kids.
Hearing her swear at them, I said, "Good morning, welcome to Wal-Mart. Nice kids, are they twins?"
The mom answered, "Hell no, they ain't twins. The oldest one's 9, and the other one's 7. Why would you think they're twins? Are you blind or stupid?"
...
I replied, "I'm not blind or stupid. I just couldn't believe someone slept with you twice. Have a good day, and thank you for shopping at Wal-Mart."
My supervisor said I probably wasn't cut out for this line of work.
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Post by craisin on Jun 4, 2013 23:23:21 GMT -5
A man walks into the Election office, says to the receptionist: "I would like to put my name forward for the forthcoming elections as an Independent candidate." The receptionist replied "Certainly sir. Please fill in this form.''
As he was filling in the form, he came to the question - ''Are you circumcised?''
So, he asked the receptionist - "Why is this question necessary?"
She replied... "If you are circumcised you are not eligible".
He asked, "Why? What difference it would THAT make?" "Well,", she replied, "to become a politician, you must be a COMPLETE prick!"
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Post by craisin on Jun 4, 2013 23:25:51 GMT -5
A real woman really is man's best friend. She will reassure him when he feels insecure and comfort him after a bad day. She will inspire him to do things he never thought he could do. She will express his deepest emotions and give into his most intimate desires. She makes him feel confident and sexy, seductive and invincible... No... Wait... wait. I'm thinking of beer, it's fcking beer that does that! Sorry!
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Post by craisin on Jun 4, 2013 23:32:52 GMT -5
One day I accidentally overturned my golf buggy. Elizabeth, a very attractive and keen golfer who lived in a villa on the golf course, heard the noise and called out, "Are you okay, what's your name?" "It's Jack, and I'm OK thanks," I replied. "Jack, forget your troubles. Come to my villa, rest a while, and Ill help you get the cart up later." "That's mighty nice of you," I answered, "but I don't think my wife would like it." "Oh, come on," Elizabeth insisted. She was very pretty and persuasive ... I was weak. "Well okay," I finally agreed, and added, "but my wife wont like it." After a restorative brandy, and some creative putting sessions, I thanked my host. "I feel a lot better now, but I know my wife is going to be really upset." "Don't be silly!" Elizabeth said with a smile. "She won't know anything. By the way, where is she?" "Under the cart!" I said.
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Post by craisin on Jun 4, 2013 23:36:04 GMT -5
Give a man a gun and he can rob a bank... Give a man a bank he can rob the WORLD !!!
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Post by craisin on Jun 5, 2013 0:56:06 GMT -5
An American arrives in Paris and takes a taxi. When they pass the Arc de Triomphe, the American asks: ‘What’s that?’ The taxi driver answers with pride: ‘That's the Arc de Triomphe to celebrate the magnificent victories of la France.’ The American asks: ‘How long did it take to build that?’ ‘Five years' responds the taxi driver. ‘Back home that would take three days.’, states the American.
They drive to the Eiffel Tower and the American asks: ‘What’s that?’ to which the taxi driver replies: ‘I have no idea, it wasn't there this morning'
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Post by craisin on Jun 5, 2013 1:25:26 GMT -5
She's single... She lives right across the street. I can see her house from my living room. I watched as she got home from work this evening. I was surprised when she walked across the street and up my driveway. She knocked on my door... I rushed to open it. She looks at me, and says, "I just got home, and I am so horny! I have this strong urge to have a good time, get drunk, and make love all night long! Are you busy tonight?" I immediately replied, "Nope, I'm free... I have no plans at all!" Then she said, "Good! In that case, could you watch my dog?"
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