JOKES, for our mental health

[craisin]

women standing in front of the mirrior getting ready to go out.
My arse is fat, my boobs are drooping and Im looking old
Say something nice to me she says to her husband.
Well darling he said you've got bloody good eyesight!

[craisin]

Bloke goes to Amsterdam red light district and ask's for a woman with saggy tit's, Big belly and saddle bag piss flaps.

Kinky then sir?

No he say's, fudgeen home sick.

[craisin]

Man comes home and finds wife in bed with his mate. He stabs him to death! Wife says "that was a silly thing to do, carry on like that & you'll have no mates left!"

[craisin]

Valentines: Flowers $80, dinner and movie $130, hotel room $200, the look on your face when she says she has her period, PRICELESS!

[craisin]

23 people have been reported found stuck to the walls and ceiling of a train station in Dublin. Police believe Irish Muslims have set off the first "No More Nails" bomb.

[craisin]

"I want to thank you lord, so far this day. With your help i haven't been impatient, lost my temper, been grumpy, judgemental, or envious of anyone. But i will be going out in a minute and i think i will really need your help to start my bike. Amen."

[craisin]

A new vibrator out for just out for women is so realistic that just before she reaches her climax, it cums, farts, goes limp & switches itself off !!!

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A recent study asked women if there jerk twitched after sex... ?

98 % said no, he just lies there scratching his balls !!!

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I lay in bed the other night looking at the clear sky & endless horizon...

And in that moment of absolute tranquility I thought...

Where the fudges my roof !!!

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Husband & wife go for marriage guidance...

When asked by the councellor if they had anything at all in common the husband replied "Yes, neither of us suck cocks" !!!

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Scientists have discovered the average cock weighs about 8 ounces but cant decide what the average thingy wieghs...

Pop on the scales & ring me back please !!!

[craisin]

A cannibal is found crying next to a large pile of crap. His mate asks whats wrong? The cannibal replies I've just dumped my girlfriend

[craisin]

I keep getting my profile rejected on that dating site Match.com,
One of the questions is What do you want in a woman?
Apparently 'My Cock" is not an answer....

[craisin]

why dont you run over a Maori when you see him riding a pushbike.

It could be your bike.

[craisin]

Today a man was admitted to middlemore hospital with a toy horse jammed up his arse.....
Doctors describe his condition as stable.....

[craisin]

A guy goes into a bar and walks up to a chick " ya want a fudge" she says " sorry I'm on my menstrual cycle" he says " sweet I'm on my scooter I'll follow you home"

[jmkjr72]

Top 10 Dolly Parton Quotes

10. "I wanted to be the first woman to burn her bra, but it would have taken the fire department four days to put it out."

9. "Home is where I hang my hair."

8. "It's a good thing I was born a girl, otherwise I'd be a drag queen."

7. "Find out who you are and do it on purpose!"

6. "When I talk to a man, I can always tell what he's thinking by where he's looking. If he's looking at my eyes, he's looking for intelligence. If he's looking at my mouth, he's looking for wisdom. If he's looking anywhere else except my chest, he's looking for another man."

5. "It takes a lot of time and money to look this cheap."

4. "If I see something saggin', baggin', or draggin', I'm gone have it nipped, tucked, or sucked!"

3. "They think I'm simpleminded because I seem to be happy. Why shouldn't I be happy? I have everything I ever wanted and more. Maybe I am simpleminded. Maybe that's the key: simple."

2. "I'm not offended by all the dumb blonde jokes, because I know I'm not dumb ... and I also know that I'm not blonde."

1. "That I can look totally artificial and be totally real is perfectly fine with me.''

[craisin]

A woman is working in a sperm bank when in comes a robber wearing a balaclava & carrying a shotgun
He points the shotgun at her and yells "open the safe"
She opens the safe
"now get out some sperm" he shouts
She gets out some sperm "now drink it!!" he yells, pointing the shotgun at her
"but its sperm" she replies
"DRINK IT!!" he shouts
so she opens the vial and drinks the sperm
"now get out some more" yells the robber pointing the shotgun at her again
the woman does as shes told
"NOW DRINK THAT TOO" he yells
she drinks the sperm
The man takes off his balaclava, it's her husband
"not that fudgeen hard was it?" he asks

[craisin]

A woman dies and floats up to the pearly gates and is waiting and has a chat with St Peter who explains that there is a bit of a queue today. With that a loud and drawn out scream is heard........
"What was that" she goes
"That is them drilling the hole in the head to fit the halo" said St Peter
Then another scream is heard followed by another
"And those?" she said
"Ah! that would be them drilling the holes for the wings" St Peter said
"Would it be alright if i errr went to the other place, you know, down below please" said the worried lady
" But if you go down there my child it will be continious rape and sodomy for all eternity" said St Peter who was now getting worried about the woman.
" Well yes" she said " but I already have holes for that"