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Post by Rebel on Mar 8, 2012 2:39:47 GMT -5
GARFIELDON THE OIL CRISIS
YOU GOTTA LOVE GARFIELD 'S EXPLANATION A lot of folks can't understand how we came to have an oil shortage here in our country. ~~~ Well, there's a very simple answer. ~~~ Nobody bothered to check the oil. ~~~ We just didn't know we were getting low. ~~~ The reason for that is purely geographical. ~~~ Our OIL is located in: ~~~ ALASKA ~~~ California ~~~ Coastal Florida ~~~ Coastal Louisiana ~~~ Coastal Alabama ~~~~ Coastal Mississippi ~~~~ Coastal Texas ~~~ North Dakota ~~~ Wyoming ~~~ Colorado ~~~ Kansas ~~~ Oklahoma ~~~ Pennsylvania ~~~ And Texas ~~~ Our dipsticks are located in DC ~~~ Any Questions? NO? Didn't think So.
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Post by Rebel on Mar 8, 2012 2:51:56 GMT -5
Little Larry attended a horse auction with his father. He watched as his father moved from horse to horse, running his hands up and down the horse's legs and rump, and chest. After a few minutes, Larry asked, “Dad, why are you doing that?” His father replied, “Because when I'm buying horses, I have to make sure that they are healthy and in good shape before I buy.” Larry, looking worried, said, “Dad, I think the Milkman wants to buy Mom ......”
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Post by craisin on Apr 22, 2012 3:21:40 GMT -5
On a bitterly cold winter's day several years ago in northern British Columbia, a RCMP constable on patrol came across a motorcyclist, who was swathed in protective clothing and helmet, stalled by the roadside. "What's the matter?" asked the policeman.
"Carburetor's frozen," was the terse reply.
"Pee on it. That'll thaw it out." he said
"I Can't."
"OK, Watch me and I will show you." The constable lubricated the carburetor, as promised. The bike started and the rider drove off, waving.
A few days later, the detachment office received a note of thanks from the father of the motorbike rider. It began: "On behalf of my daughter, who recently was stranded...."
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Post by craisin on Apr 22, 2012 3:23:36 GMT -5
Glad to be drunk A completely inebriated man was stumbling down the street with one foot on the curb and one foot in the gutter. A cop pulled up and said, "I've got to take you in, pal. You're obviously drunk."
Our wasted friend asked, "Officer, are ya absolutely sure I'm drunk?"
"Yeah, buddy, I'm sure," said the copper. "Let's go."
Breathing a sigh of relief, the wino said, "Thank goodness, I thought I was crippled."
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Post by craisin on Apr 22, 2012 16:26:16 GMT -5
I have sleepless nights trying to remember the difference between amnesia and insomnia.
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Post by craisin on Apr 22, 2012 16:29:46 GMT -5
Three women are about to be executed. One's a brunette, one's a redhead, and one's a blonde. Two guards brings the brunette forward, and the executioner asks if she has any last requests. She says no, and the executioner shouts, "Ready . . . Aim . . ." Suddenly the brunette yells, "earthquake!!" Everyone is startled and looks around. She manages to escape. The angry guards then bring the redhead forward, and the executioner asks if she has any last requests. She says no, and the executioner shouts, "Ready . . . Aim . . ." The redhead then screams, "tornado!!" Yet again, everyone is startled and looks around. She too escapes execution. By this point, the blonde had figured out what the others did. The guards bring her forward, and the executioner asks if she has any last requests. She also says no, and the executioner shouts, "Ready . . . Aim . . ." The blonde shouts, "fire!!"
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jmkjr72
contributing staff
Commander 132nd Northern Cav. Division
Posts: 2,779
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Post by jmkjr72 on Apr 24, 2012 18:18:36 GMT -5
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Post by Rebel on Apr 29, 2012 13:15:16 GMT -5
Bra Engineer Calvin Rickson, an engineer from Texas A&M University, has designed a bra that keeps women's breasts from jiggling, bouncing up and down, and stops nipples from pushing through the fabric when cold weather sets in. After a news conference announcing the invention, a group of men took Mr. Rickson outside and kicked the crap out of him.
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Post by craisin on May 1, 2012 5:10:43 GMT -5
sanjay the indian
goes home every night and headbutts his wife at 730 on the dot!
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Post by craisin on May 1, 2012 5:14:16 GMT -5
Grandma and Grandpa were visiting Their kids overnight.
When Grandpa found a bottle of Vi gra in His son's medicine cabinet, he asked About using one of the pills.
The son said, "I don't think you should Take one Dad; they're very strong And very expensive."
"How much?" asked Grandpa.
"$10. A pill," Answered the son.
"I don't care," said Grandpa, "I'd still like to Try one, and before we leave in the Morning, I'll put the money Under the pillow."
Later the next morning, the son found $110 under the pillow. He called Grandpa and said, "I told You each pill was $10, not $110.
"I know," said Grandpa. "The Hundred is from Grandma!"
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Post by craisin on May 1, 2012 5:17:18 GMT -5
What if you were playing in the club championship tournament finals, and the match was halved at the end of 17 holes. You had the honour and hit your ball a modest 250 yards to the middle of the fairway. Leaving a simple six iron to the pin. Your opponent then hits his ball, lofting it deep into the woods to the right of the fairway.
Being the golfing gentleman that you are, you help your opponent look for his ball. Just before the permitted five minute search period ends, your opponent says: "Go ahead and hit your second shot and if I don't find it in time, I'll concede the match."
You hit your ball, landing it on the green, stopping about 10 feet from the pin. About the time your ball comes to rest, you hear your opponent exclaim from deep in the woods: "I found it!" The second sound you hear is a click, the sound of a club striking a ball and the ball comes sailing out of the woods and lands on the green, stopping no more than six inches from the hole.
Now here is the ethical dilemma:
Do you pull the cheating bastard's ball out of your pocket and confront him with it or do you keep your mouth shut?
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Post by craisin on May 1, 2012 5:20:37 GMT -5
A beautiful woman went to the gynecologist .... The doctor took one look at the woman and all his professionalism flew out the window. He immediately told her to get undressed.
After she disrobed the doctor began to stroke her thigh. While Doing so he asked her... 'Do you know what I am doing?'
'Yes,' she replied .... 'You are checking for abrasions or Dermatological abnormalities.'
'That's right,' said the doctor. He then began to fondle her Breasts. 'Do you know what I am doing now?' he asked.
'Yes,' she said, 'You are checking for lumps which might indicate Breast cancer.'
'Correct,' replied the doctor. Finally, he mounted his Patient and started having sexual intercourse with her. He asked ... 'Do you know what I am doing now?'
'Yes,' she said, 'You're getting syphilis. Which is why I came here in the first place.'
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Post by craisin on May 1, 2012 5:24:45 GMT -5
A bloke sat in his armchair and shouts to his wife,
"when i die i'm going to leave everything to you, love!"
she shouts back, "you already do you lazy bastard!!"
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Post by craisin on May 1, 2012 15:47:09 GMT -5
Why can't a man ever please a woman?
Because no man has a dick made of chocolate which ejaculates money!!
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Post by craisin on May 1, 2012 15:49:44 GMT -5
A reasent studdi haz chown thet peapel hoo aar fukinn amezin in bed.. r krap ad spalling
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